Sunday, November 29, 2015
ALERT
You know who you are. Don't stalk me. Also, I don't write fanfic, except for one thing...nonetheless, don't stalk.
Master Squid and the Fat Baby
Master Squid and the Fat Baby
Master Squid had a sister. Yes, surprising isn't it? No. If you're a real squid fan, you'd know that Master Squid had 48 sisters in 1938 (Master Squid and the Dust Cleaner of Doom). Master Squid had many sisters, but there was one he favored the most. Her name was Mayella Squid (I've recently been reading To Kill a Mockingbird. But don't worry. This squid isn't tempting a black man.). Mayella Squid was the meanest squid in the Squid family. She was cruel and bitter, and she kicked puppies (*gasp what a crime!). You, reader, might be wondering why Master Squid would love the meanest sister the most. Well, long story short, Mayella Squid had brainwashing powers, and she brainwashed Master Squid into adoring her. What siblinghood!
Anyway, Mayella Squid had a baby (don't ask me who the father is). It was a fat baby. Fattest thing you've ever seen. Like really, it was FAAAAAAAAAT. Mayella didn't know what to do with the baby. She was going to kick it out of the house, but she felt sorry for it (yay, some good in her). So, she sent it to the brother who loves her. Master Squid receieved the baby in USP (United Sea Postal) package. At first he thought it was his new hair cutting umbrella gown.
Master Squid had a sister. Yes, surprising isn't it? No. If you're a real squid fan, you'd know that Master Squid had 48 sisters in 1938 (Master Squid and the Dust Cleaner of Doom). Master Squid had many sisters, but there was one he favored the most. Her name was Mayella Squid (I've recently been reading To Kill a Mockingbird. But don't worry. This squid isn't tempting a black man.). Mayella Squid was the meanest squid in the Squid family. She was cruel and bitter, and she kicked puppies (*gasp what a crime!). You, reader, might be wondering why Master Squid would love the meanest sister the most. Well, long story short, Mayella Squid had brainwashing powers, and she brainwashed Master Squid into adoring her. What siblinghood!
Anyway, Mayella Squid had a baby (don't ask me who the father is). It was a fat baby. Fattest thing you've ever seen. Like really, it was FAAAAAAAAAT. Mayella didn't know what to do with the baby. She was going to kick it out of the house, but she felt sorry for it (yay, some good in her). So, she sent it to the brother who loves her. Master Squid receieved the baby in USP (United Sea Postal) package. At first he thought it was his new hair cutting umbrella gown.
Apparently, it was not. Master Squid had no idea how to care for a baby, especially one that ate so much, Then he thought 'OH NO! What if this baby is one of my enemies in disguise? It is pretty big.'
Master Squid zapped it with his siphon laser and the baby died.
And so, Master Squid had saved the day again.
The End
Update
Hello all (which is literally just Gabby and Diane).
It seems we have a new reader. Too bad I can't change the name of this blog to "Squid Stories for Gabby and Diane". I mean, I could through some hard work, but I'm too lazy. I guess we have to accept changes. I know that throughout the years, there will be more readers and we can't just make the name longer and longer. So, in order to respect the first follower, we shall keep it named after Gabby and Gabby alone.
It seems we have a new reader. Too bad I can't change the name of this blog to "Squid Stories for Gabby and Diane". I mean, I could through some hard work, but I'm too lazy. I guess we have to accept changes. I know that throughout the years, there will be more readers and we can't just make the name longer and longer. So, in order to respect the first follower, we shall keep it named after Gabby and Gabby alone.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Master Squid and the Extremely Short Post
Master Squid and the Extremely Short Post
Master Squid doesnt like short things. Like his tentacles for example. He likes them long so that he has more body mass. Therefore he doesn't like this story because it is short.
The End
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Master Squid and the Fight for Presidency
Master Squid and the Fight for Presidency
Master Squid liked the idea of democracy. I told you that in the story where he fights King George in order to save the US Constitution. Anyway, Master Squid likes to emerse with the American citizens to take polls and votes in order to agree on solutions. Obviously, right now, the Congress is completely dominated by the Republican party (I swear, if Congress gets the government shutdown because of their stupid little Planned Parenthood debate I'm going to vote for Deez Nuts next year), so democracy isn't really in motion.
One day, while watching Fox News (owned and operated by Fox News Network) on the rising polls of Deez Nuts, Master Squid thought 'Why don't I become the president? I thoroughly know how to handle democracy and also, I'd look good in a Brooks River Brothers suit.' And so, Master Squid went online and officially signed up to run for president.
"Now, how do I get my campaign started? How do people get famous? Well, there's rockstars and viners and people who get tumblrweed famous for saying stupid things. Aha! I can become tumblrweed famous! Now, let's see what's trending on tumblrweed."
And so, Master Squid made an account on tumblrweed and went straight to the trending page.
"Hmmm, looks like Donald Shrimpshrump's hair is kind of famous. Now, to make an extremely offensive joke about him that will cause me to become president and have an epic battle against him to win presidency (<-----some extreme foreshadowing there, am I right?)."
"And so, Master Squid made a video of Ronald Shrimp blasting Donald."
A week later, Master Squid became incredibly famous on tumblrweed and had about 8573957261948366946483693% of North Carolina with Deez Nuts trailing right behind with 0.00000000012%, Hillary Shrimpton with 0.00000000000000000005%, Bernie SAND with 0.00000000000000000000000000004%, and Donald Shrimpshrumpwith 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%.
Master Squid was incredibly proud with himself. The next year, he won the presidency.
"Now, to get ready for my inaugural speech."
Master Squid put on a very fancy Brooks Rivers Brothers suit and went out to the podium.
"Hello, citizens. I am Master Squid, the new president of Insert-Country-Name-Here. I will make sure that this country will prosper and bring democracy to all!"
The crowds exploded with applause and Master Squid beamed with pride. Suddenly, a motorcycle dropped on top of him. The crowd stopped their praise and gasped. Standing on top of the motorcycle on top of Master Squid stood Donald Shrimpshrump. He scowled as he spit on Master Squid's siphon.
"Ew. That's naaaasty, man." Master Squid said with disgust.
"You're nastier, Squid."
"Why do politicians always use the last name for formal ocassions? Like, I'm fine with my first name, thank you."
"You're only saying that, because you want me to call you 'Master', so it sounds like I'm your maid."
"True. True. Oh well. Squid it is."
"Citizens of Insert-Country-Name-Here, I am Donald Shrimpshrump. I deserve to be the rightful ruler-er, president of this country. This insolent vertebrate used tumblrweed to raise his social status online and abused that power to make himself president."
"I'm a invertebrate."
"Shut up."
The crowds threw seahorse eggs at Donald. He became very angry, so he threw the motorcycle at the crowd. But, since Donald Shrimpshrump was very rich, the crowd immediately grabbed at the expensive motorcycle so they can sell it on SEAbay for an unreasonably high price. Donald moved his attention onto Master Squid.
"Heheh, looks like your campaign followers are a little bit busy. Now, to finish you off!"
A sashimi knife appeared out of nowhere along with a gold-plated apron.
"I'm going to eat you with small balls of rice! Delicious!"
Donald Shrimpshrump swung the knife at Master Squid, but Master Squid was too fast for him. He rolled on his side to escape the coming doom and kicked Donald right in the carapace.
"Ow! You insolent fool!"
Donald threw the knife at Master Squid, who couldn't dodge his attack. The knife struck his siphon.
"Ouch! Euwan, STOP MAKING THE ANTAGONISTS BREAK MY SIPHON!"
Obviously, Euwan enjoyed breaking siphons too much so she fixed the story to make it so that Donald had thrown 7498457619837474 sashimi kinves at Master Squid's siphon.
"GODAMMIT! I hate you, Euwan."
"STOP TALKING TO THE AUTHOR! SHE CONTROLS OUR VERY ACTIONS IN THIS RANDOM, USELESS BLOG SO THERE'S NO POINT IN PLEADING FOR HER MERCY!" Donald Shrimpshrump yelled.
Euwan, being very pleased with Donald's comment, gave (or 'wrote') him a kotatsu.
"I don't need a heated bed, Euwan. I think you meant katana, not kotatsu."
Euwan, fustrated by her failure, instantly killed Donald.
"Why did you do that?" asked Master Squid.
Euwan typed: Because, you are the main character, Master Squid. You need to live so that there may be more posts on this random, useless, insulting, non-rewarding blog. I will not allow you to die to such an insolent fool such as Donald Shrimpshrump.
"Ah. Thank you, then."
Master Squid faced the crowd, which had decided that it would give the motorcycle to Gubby Fishburger, who needed the money to sue her kidnapper (this court trial will become a story, don't worry, gabby).
"I will not be accepting the position as president. It is true that I used cruel and insulting way to gain this position. Therefore, my position as president will go to none other than Bernie SAND, the most honorable person here. Bernie, I hope you make sure that democracy spreads through the entire country."
And so, Master Squid saved the day again. Well, actually, he caused the problem and Euwan saved the day but whatever.
The End
Master Squid liked the idea of democracy. I told you that in the story where he fights King George in order to save the US Constitution. Anyway, Master Squid likes to emerse with the American citizens to take polls and votes in order to agree on solutions. Obviously, right now, the Congress is completely dominated by the Republican party (I swear, if Congress gets the government shutdown because of their stupid little Planned Parenthood debate I'm going to vote for Deez Nuts next year), so democracy isn't really in motion.
One day, while watching Fox News (owned and operated by Fox News Network) on the rising polls of Deez Nuts, Master Squid thought 'Why don't I become the president? I thoroughly know how to handle democracy and also, I'd look good in a Brooks River Brothers suit.' And so, Master Squid went online and officially signed up to run for president.
"Now, how do I get my campaign started? How do people get famous? Well, there's rockstars and viners and people who get tumblrweed famous for saying stupid things. Aha! I can become tumblrweed famous! Now, let's see what's trending on tumblrweed."
And so, Master Squid made an account on tumblrweed and went straight to the trending page.
"Hmmm, looks like Donald Shrimpshrump's hair is kind of famous. Now, to make an extremely offensive joke about him that will cause me to become president and have an epic battle against him to win presidency (<-----some extreme foreshadowing there, am I right?)."
"And so, Master Squid made a video of Ronald Shrimp blasting Donald."
Ronald Shrimp Blasts Donald Trump
source: this video belongs to jaimejaime
Master Squid was incredibly proud with himself. The next year, he won the presidency.
"Now, to get ready for my inaugural speech."
Master Squid put on a very fancy Brooks Rivers Brothers suit and went out to the podium.
"Hello, citizens. I am Master Squid, the new president of Insert-Country-Name-Here. I will make sure that this country will prosper and bring democracy to all!"
The crowds exploded with applause and Master Squid beamed with pride. Suddenly, a motorcycle dropped on top of him. The crowd stopped their praise and gasped. Standing on top of the motorcycle on top of Master Squid stood Donald Shrimpshrump. He scowled as he spit on Master Squid's siphon.
"Ew. That's naaaasty, man." Master Squid said with disgust.
"You're nastier, Squid."
"Why do politicians always use the last name for formal ocassions? Like, I'm fine with my first name, thank you."
"You're only saying that, because you want me to call you 'Master', so it sounds like I'm your maid."
"True. True. Oh well. Squid it is."
"Citizens of Insert-Country-Name-Here, I am Donald Shrimpshrump. I deserve to be the rightful ruler-er, president of this country. This insolent vertebrate used tumblrweed to raise his social status online and abused that power to make himself president."
"I'm a invertebrate."
"Shut up."
The crowds threw seahorse eggs at Donald. He became very angry, so he threw the motorcycle at the crowd. But, since Donald Shrimpshrump was very rich, the crowd immediately grabbed at the expensive motorcycle so they can sell it on SEAbay for an unreasonably high price. Donald moved his attention onto Master Squid.
"Heheh, looks like your campaign followers are a little bit busy. Now, to finish you off!"
A sashimi knife appeared out of nowhere along with a gold-plated apron.
"I'm going to eat you with small balls of rice! Delicious!"
Donald Shrimpshrump swung the knife at Master Squid, but Master Squid was too fast for him. He rolled on his side to escape the coming doom and kicked Donald right in the carapace.
"Ow! You insolent fool!"
Donald threw the knife at Master Squid, who couldn't dodge his attack. The knife struck his siphon.
"Ouch! Euwan, STOP MAKING THE ANTAGONISTS BREAK MY SIPHON!"
Obviously, Euwan enjoyed breaking siphons too much so she fixed the story to make it so that Donald had thrown 7498457619837474 sashimi kinves at Master Squid's siphon.
"GODAMMIT! I hate you, Euwan."
"STOP TALKING TO THE AUTHOR! SHE CONTROLS OUR VERY ACTIONS IN THIS RANDOM, USELESS BLOG SO THERE'S NO POINT IN PLEADING FOR HER MERCY!" Donald Shrimpshrump yelled.
Euwan, being very pleased with Donald's comment, gave (or 'wrote') him a kotatsu.
"I don't need a heated bed, Euwan. I think you meant katana, not kotatsu."
Euwan, fustrated by her failure, instantly killed Donald.
"Why did you do that?" asked Master Squid.
Euwan typed: Because, you are the main character, Master Squid. You need to live so that there may be more posts on this random, useless, insulting, non-rewarding blog. I will not allow you to die to such an insolent fool such as Donald Shrimpshrump.
"Ah. Thank you, then."
Master Squid faced the crowd, which had decided that it would give the motorcycle to Gubby Fishburger, who needed the money to sue her kidnapper (this court trial will become a story, don't worry, gabby).
"I will not be accepting the position as president. It is true that I used cruel and insulting way to gain this position. Therefore, my position as president will go to none other than Bernie SAND, the most honorable person here. Bernie, I hope you make sure that democracy spreads through the entire country."
And so, Master Squid saved the day again. Well, actually, he caused the problem and Euwan saved the day but whatever.
The End
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Master Squid and the Missing Gubby
Master Squid and the Missing Gubby
Gubby Fishburger had been missing for a long time now. No one was able to find her, not even Master Squid. After an extensive and exhausting one hour search party, Gubby Fishburger was declared legally dead.
Master Squid was in the shower, singing his favorite song (Lion King theme song obv), when there was a knock on the door. Master Squid wrapped a towel around him and opened the door. The moment the door was open .000000000000000000000000000000001 mm, a group of government agents broke in. They wrestled Master Squid to the floor and handcuffed him.
"Master Squid, you are being arrested for the disappearance and murder of Gubby Fishburger."
"I didn't murder her! Or kidnap her!"
"Oh yes you did. NOW STOP FIGHTING!" A government agent broke his siphon.
"Ouch! That hurt. I literally just got that fixed yesterday."
Master Squid used his telepathic power to teleport to Macquarie Island, Australia.
"They'll never find me here. Now, what do I need to do to clear my name? Ah! I must find the missing/dead Gubby Fishburger to prove that I am innocent. But first things first. Since this is such a beautiful island, I'll enjoy a nice, relaxing vacation."
Master Squid checked into a nearby hotel and decided to go to the landscape overlook hot tub. At the hot tub, he met a nice-looking girl. Master Squid decided to put his flirting classes to the test.
"Hey, baby. Is it hot in here or is it just you?"
"We're sitting in a HOT tub. Kind of obvious."
"...Anyway, are you an angel, because you're from heaven."
"No, I'm not an angel fish. I'm actually a guppy."
"GODAMMIT! I'M TRYING TO FLIRT WITH YOU! Will you go out with me or naw?!"
"Naw."
Master Squid gave up. He trudged out of the water and retreated to his hotel room.
"That girl was so rude. How salty. But, she looks familiar. Eh."
Master Squid fell asleep. The next morning, he tried to find the rude girl. He found her at the hot tub again.
"So, please reconsider. Will you go out with me to dinner tonight?"
"No."
"I won't take 'no' as an answer."
"Will you take nein?"
"Nein."
"Niet?"
"Niet."
"Nee?"
"Nee."
"Jo?"
"Jo."
"Bú?"
"Bú."
"Nahi?"
"Nahi."
"I said 'no' to you in English, German, Russian, Afrikaans, Albanian, Chinese, and Hindu. What more?"
"All I want is for you to go to dinner with me."
"Non" (That was french).
"ARGH!"
Master Squid got angry. He grabbed the girl and raced out of the hotel, while she screamed. He ran/swam to his town's local police station.
"This girl is a menace to society! I demand that you arrest her!"
The police station was quiet.
"You found her! You found Gubby Fishburger! Good job, Master Squid." The chief commander spoke.
"....................................... eh?"
Gubby Fishburger had been missing for a long time now. No one was able to find her, not even Master Squid. After an extensive and exhausting one hour search party, Gubby Fishburger was declared legally dead.
Master Squid was in the shower, singing his favorite song (Lion King theme song obv), when there was a knock on the door. Master Squid wrapped a towel around him and opened the door. The moment the door was open .000000000000000000000000000000001 mm, a group of government agents broke in. They wrestled Master Squid to the floor and handcuffed him.
"Master Squid, you are being arrested for the disappearance and murder of Gubby Fishburger."
"I didn't murder her! Or kidnap her!"
"Oh yes you did. NOW STOP FIGHTING!" A government agent broke his siphon.
"Ouch! That hurt. I literally just got that fixed yesterday."
Master Squid used his telepathic power to teleport to Macquarie Island, Australia.
"They'll never find me here. Now, what do I need to do to clear my name? Ah! I must find the missing/dead Gubby Fishburger to prove that I am innocent. But first things first. Since this is such a beautiful island, I'll enjoy a nice, relaxing vacation."
Master Squid checked into a nearby hotel and decided to go to the landscape overlook hot tub. At the hot tub, he met a nice-looking girl. Master Squid decided to put his flirting classes to the test.
"Hey, baby. Is it hot in here or is it just you?"
"We're sitting in a HOT tub. Kind of obvious."
"...Anyway, are you an angel, because you're from heaven."
"No, I'm not an angel fish. I'm actually a guppy."
"GODAMMIT! I'M TRYING TO FLIRT WITH YOU! Will you go out with me or naw?!"
"Naw."
Master Squid gave up. He trudged out of the water and retreated to his hotel room.
"That girl was so rude. How salty. But, she looks familiar. Eh."
Master Squid fell asleep. The next morning, he tried to find the rude girl. He found her at the hot tub again.
"So, please reconsider. Will you go out with me to dinner tonight?"
"No."
"I won't take 'no' as an answer."
"Will you take nein?"
"Nein."
"Niet?"
"Niet."
"Nee?"
"Nee."
"Jo?"
"Jo."
"Bú?"
"Bú."
"Nahi?"
"Nahi."
"I said 'no' to you in English, German, Russian, Afrikaans, Albanian, Chinese, and Hindu. What more?"
"All I want is for you to go to dinner with me."
"Non" (That was french).
"ARGH!"
Master Squid got angry. He grabbed the girl and raced out of the hotel, while she screamed. He ran/swam to his town's local police station.
"This girl is a menace to society! I demand that you arrest her!"
The police station was quiet.
"You found her! You found Gubby Fishburger! Good job, Master Squid." The chief commander spoke.
"....................................... eh?"
Similar expression to that of Master Squid's
And so, Master Squid has saved Gubby Fishburger!
The End
Friday, July 10, 2015
Master Squid and Squid News from Channel 666
Opening Intro: BUM BUM DE BUM DADA~~~
Master Squid: Hello, everyone! This is Master Squid here welcoming you to Squid News on Channel 666 at 9 PM, where things that are really simple are drastically changed into something that is similar to the porn scenes in the anime "Food Wars". Here, we introduce our fellow celebrity friends: Brass Pitt and Kim Kardash-EEL-ian.
Brass Pitt: Thanks, Master Squid. It's great to be here.
Master Squid: (*sarcastic voice) Is it really, Brass? Is it really that great to be here?
Brass Pitt: (*throws chair at Master Squid)
Screen: We are experiencing technical difficult-YOU KNOW WHAT? WE AREN'T. BRASS PITT HAS GONE INSANE! Perhaps his part in World War Z has driven him to insanity because he was such a bad actor.
Master Squid: We are back. Brass has been calmed. Everything is perfectly fine.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Oh my. That was intense. My beautiful face can't stand this nonsense!
Master Squid: (*laughs) You're right, Kim! That was an intense start. Anyway, let's get down to business.
Brass Pitt: Business? I DON'T WANT BUSINESS! I JUST WANT TO JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE TO ESCAPE ZOMBIES AND LOOK SPARKINGLY HANDSOME AS I PARACHUTE DOWN THE SKY WITH ROTTEN CORPSES TRAILING BEHIND ME! (*throws chair at Kim)
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: OH SEAWEED!
Screen: We are experiencing some difficulties. No, they're not technical.
Master Squid: Hello, we are back...again. Brass Pitt is now tied into his chair. He will be sent to a nearby mental hospital after the program for treatment.
Brass Pitt: I DON'T NEED TREATMENT! I AM FAMOUS, BEAUTIFUL, AND RICH!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Someone please put a gag on him. Kanye! Please tie my Gubbi (underwater parody of Gucchi, obviously) handkerchief to shut him up.
Kanye East: (*ties handkerchief and gags Brass)
Master Squid: Moving along, a young fish went missing last Monday. Her name is Gubby Fishburger. How would you react to this, Brass?
Brass Pitt: grumabdinwbsiqn... GEOWNFIJD!
Master Squid: Hmmm, interesting. And what about you, Kim?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I don't really care. At least if I'm rich and beautiful, which I am.
Master Squid: Very interesting responses. Moving along, how do you guys feel about tines? They're saltines but without salt.
Brass Pitt: ...
Master Squid: Brass seems to have escaped. Hopefully the coast guard can find him before he runs off to Japan or something.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Oh my. This is such a stressful matter. My hair just can't handle this much stress!
Master Squid: Well, it looks as if we need to continue the program. So Kim, how would you react if someone kidnapped you like Gabby Fishburger?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I’d probably call my honey-boo, Kanye, to come pick me up with my 12 karat gold, diamond-studded ePhone 17. Duhhh, it’s something anyone would do.
Master Squid: Ok...
Kanye East: (*drags in handcuffed Brass Pitt)
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Kanye! Honey, why did you bring the filthy thing here? Ugh, he's ruining my personal bubble.Kanye East: ... (*does the Kanye face and walks off set)
The angry Kanye face
source:
Brass Pitt: I think that I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM BRASS PITT! THE MOST HANDSOME, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING MAN THAT HAS EVER LIVED! I AM SUPERIOR TO EVERYTHING! 'SBLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF TOUCHING ME!
Master Squid: It looks as if Brass is being a little too aesthetic and dignified right now. Looks like we have to calm him down a little bit. Someone get him some NyQuil.
Brass Pitt: I don't need NyQuil! Leave me alone! This body can not be touched! It is the holy grail! I AM THE HOLY GRAIL! THOU DOES NOT DESERVE TOUCH ME! THIS IS AN INTANGIBLE BODY!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Please do lower your voices. I'm trying to fix my makeup.
Master Squid: Someone, please get some NyQuil. Cameraman, can you pass us the bottle?
Cameraman: No thank you. I'm too busy being amazing.
Brass Pitt: Excuse me!? No one is amazing but me! BRASS PITT IS THE ONLY AMAZING PERSON HERE! (*jumps at camera)
Screen: I think this is getting a lil too dangerous. Celebrities sure are scary.
Master Squid: We are back. Brass has been injected with some NyQuil. Hopefully, it doesn't kill him. Now, Brass and Kim, how do you feel about the whole celebrity Illuminati thing?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I don't care. At least if I'm beautiful when I make a triangle.
Brass Pitt: The celebrity Illuminati? I CREATED IT! I AM THE GOD OF EVERYTHING! I MADE EVERYTHING! I AM THE RULER OF THE ILLUMINATI, THE PLANET, THE WORLD, THE UNIVERSE, THE HYPOTHETICAL MULTIVERSE! EVEN STRING THEORY! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Master Squid: Hmm, unique answers. Yes.
Brass Pitt: I CREATED THIS WORLD! I AM THE CREATOR OF THE GLORIOUS PC MASTER RACE! THOSE FILTHY CONSOLE PEASANTS DON'T DESERVE MY LOVE! MUAHAHAHAH!
The Glorious PC Gaming Master Race and the Dirty Console Peasant
History: On January 23rd, 2008, online video game magazine The Escapist published a review episode of the PC game The Witcher as part of their review series “Zero Punctuation.” In the video, the narrator quips how The Witcher’s complex structure makes the gaming experience optimized for PC users so that “those dirty console playing peasants don’t ruin it for the glorious PC gaming master race.” Within six years, the episode gathered over 400 comments and 650 Facebook likes on the Escapist website. (knowyourmeme.com)
Source: usgamer.net
Master Squid: It looks like Brass is acting up again. Someone bring the NyQuil again. Clean syringe please. We don't want Brass to die now, do we?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Oh, I would appreciate it if he did. He's ruining my spotlight, babbling on about petty things. How low.
Brass Pitt: You can't kill this beauty! I am the covenant of 'sblood! I am the holy grail! I make this world function! I am the glorious PC GAMING MASTER RACE AND THE CELEBRITY ILLUMINATI! MUAHAHAHA!
Master Squid: PLEASE SOMEONE GET SOME NYQUIL FOR HIM! I THINK HE'S GOING TO BLOW SOMETHING UP!
Brass Pitt: WATCH OUT! I'M GOING TO RISE ABOVE ALL OF YOU! oh wait...I ALREADY HAVE! BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER! (*stands on top of table) OBEY ME!!! (*throws Master Squid at camera)
Screen: I would recommend changing the channel if you have children watching.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: SEAWEED! HE'S PULLING MY HAIR! KANYE EAST, YOU GET HERE RIGHT NOW AND PULL THIS FILTHY THING OFF ME!
Kanye East: (*walks onto set and picks up Brass. Throws him at wall)
Master Squid: Please, everyone, be calm.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I can't be calm! My hair's a mess!
Brass Pitt: I planted a stinkbomb in you hair, Kim! HAHAHA! That's what you get for saying you were beautiful! I am more beautiful! I'M THE MOST BEAUTIFUL!
Kanye East: I can't be married to someone with a stinkbomb in her hair. We're having a divorce!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: What about Nory? I get to keep her!
Kanye East: I'm fine with that!
Master Squid: This is chaotic. I'm going out for a coffee break.
Brass Pitt: No one is leaving without bowing down to me as their one and only ruler!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: There's no way I'm doing that! I'm out of here. (*tries to walk but Brass throws chair at her, causing her to fall as a hot mess)
Master Squid: Someone! Security! Do something!
Cameraman: Sorry. I'm busy breathing.
Master Squid: You're a horrible cameraman. Well, actually you're not. You're doing a great job recording all this...wait. THIS IS LIVE! EVERYONE IS WATCHING US! CAMERAMAN, CUT IT! STOP RECORDING. STOP THE CAMERA!
Cameraman: Sorry. I told you I was busy.
Kanye East: I can't be seen with such a filthy woman like Kim Kardash-EEL-ian. I'll turn off the camera. (*picks up Brass Pitt and throws him at the camera)
Screen: I'm glad that that's over.
And so, Master Squid has experieced being an anchorman for Squid News from Channel 666. No, this time, he didn't save anything. Rather, Kanye East did. How ironic...
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Master Squid and the Exploding Elephant
Master Squid loved African elephants. He visited the zoo often to marvel at them. 
One day Master Squid decided to pay a visit to the zoo. He rode the SquidMobile to get there. By the time he arrived, it was raining.
"DAMMIT! I LEFT MY IRON ON! Oh and it's raining too."
Master Squid sighed and drove back home. However, his home no longer existed. A giant mutant elephant stood at its place, debris underneath its feet.
"MY HOUSE!!!"
Master Squid gasped. He stared with anger at the elephant. The elephant stared back. The elephant tooted and the area was filled with stinky gas.
"Ugh! You're such a useless elephant. That was a floccinaucinihiliplification by the way."
The elephant grew angry. It had no idea what that word meant and it was angry that a stupid squid knew! The elephant finally spoke.
"I am the great and powerful EXPLODING ELEPHANT! Bow down to me or I shall destroy this town with my power!
"NO! That was a holophrase by the way."
The elephant tackled him. Master Squid's siphon broke under the weight of the elephant. He used his telethesia to lift the elephant off of his siphon. Master Squid quickly dug a 500 foot deep hole and placed the elephant inside.
"ARGH! LET ME OUT OF THIS HOLE! I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!"
There was a loud BOOM! (That was a holophrase too) Master Squid was thrown back from the blast's impact. After the smoke cleared up, in the hole, there were the remains of an elephant carcass.
"Sad sad. He died so soon. Oh well. It can't be helped."
And like that, MASTER SQUID SAVED THE DAY AGAIN! (That was also a holophrase)
THE END
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Master Squid and the Dust Cleaner of Doom
Master Squid and the Dust Cleaner of Doom
Master Squid hated dust. Which meant that he hated dust cleaners more...because if he ever needed to use a dust cleaner, that meant that there was dust. The reason why he hated dust was a long story.
It was the last day of school back in 1938. It was the times of the Great Depression, and Master Squid's family was one of the ones that were hit the hardest. His two oldest siblings, Mister Squid and Macker Squid, were able to attend school while the other forty-seven children had to scavenge for food on the streets. Master Squid was the twenty-fourth oldest. And everyone knows that the twenty-fourth oldest would always grow up into a dust-keeper. And so, Master Squid's parents always taught him how to perfectly dust their Hooverville shack. Master Squid enjoyed learning to dust with his parents. It was a way to bond with them. But one day, Master Squid's parents were arrested for shoplifting in a grocery store. Master Squid knew they were innocent. Afterall, they were with him the entire day reminding him how to pat off dirt from carpets. But the judge would not listen.
Master Squid's parents were executed.
Master Squid hated dust. Which meant that he hated dust cleaners more...because if he ever needed to use a dust cleaner, that meant that there was dust. The reason why he hated dust was a long story.
It was the last day of school back in 1938. It was the times of the Great Depression, and Master Squid's family was one of the ones that were hit the hardest. His two oldest siblings, Mister Squid and Macker Squid, were able to attend school while the other forty-seven children had to scavenge for food on the streets. Master Squid was the twenty-fourth oldest. And everyone knows that the twenty-fourth oldest would always grow up into a dust-keeper. And so, Master Squid's parents always taught him how to perfectly dust their Hooverville shack. Master Squid enjoyed learning to dust with his parents. It was a way to bond with them. But one day, Master Squid's parents were arrested for shoplifting in a grocery store. Master Squid knew they were innocent. Afterall, they were with him the entire day reminding him how to pat off dirt from carpets. But the judge would not listen.
Master Squid's parents were executed.
Master Squid's Mother
source: www.ettabinthecity.com
Master Squid vowed to get revenge on dust. And you might be wondering "Why not vow revenge on the judge that ordered his parents to die?". But dear audience, the title clearly says "Dust Cleaner of Doom". We can't forget that the story has to be about dust. And also because this is a weird-ass blog and logic doesn't work here. I mean, THIS BLOG IS ABOUT A MYSTICAL SQUID! What did you expect?
Master Squid ran away from his Hooverville shack a week after his parents died, leaving his 48 siblings. He lived on the streets of a nearby city, selling gum and soda on the streets to make a living. And now, he is a successful squid and his occupation is: a hero that really doesn't save anyone or anything. Rather, he's the one who needs the saving but no matter!
Master Squid sat down in his couch and turned on the TV. The TV screen played a commercial for dust cleaners.
"ARGH! I HATE THIS TV! WHY DOES IT KEEP PLAYING THE WORST THINGS! FIRST KIMBA AND NOW DUST!"
Master Squid threw a rock at the TV, shattering the screen. However, when the screen shattered, an object rolled out of the TV. It was a dust cleaner. Master Squid gasped. It was a vile thing, so helpless on the ground. And worst of all, it was purple! Master Squid hatede the color purple (although some squids have a purplish hue). Suddenly the dust cleaner got up.
"I am the Dust Cleaner of Doom! But you can call of John Mayor Blanca Enrique de Las Rancas Hermosas a Todos Los Unidos for short."
"UGH! You disgust me! Scram, you worthless piece of metal filled with air that is highly priced and taxed even though it is practically useless!"
"You called me USELESS!? How dare you! You deserve to die!"
John Mayor Blanca Enrique de Las Rancas Hermosas a Todos Los Unidos tackled Master Squid. He blew air in Master Squid's siphon.
"AK! That's cold! Stop! It tickles too."
Master Squid punched John Mayor Blanca Enrique de Las Rancas Hermosas a Todos Los Unidos in the throttle so that he couldn't blow air anymore.
"Ugh! I'm practically useless if I can't blow air! Goodbye, Master Squid! I shall come for you again! Arrrriiiiiibbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
AND SO ONCE AGAIN, MASTER SQUID HAS SAVED THE DAY! Do you notice how many times the enemy just runs away in this blog?
THE END
Monday, June 1, 2015
Master Squid and the Zombie Squid
Master Squid and the Zombie Apocalypse of 2015
Master Squid always loved watching zamobie apocalypse movies and TV shows. He already rewatched the Walking Dead fourteen times, and he couldn't wait until the next episode. He also rewatched Gakuen Mokushiroku Haisukūru obu za Deddo (Highschool of the Dead) fifty-two times.
One night, Master Squid was taking a stroll. He couldn't go to sleep (he had too much coffee) and decided that some underwater night-time scenery would help calm his senses. As he walked down the path behind his house, he came across an object. In the darkness he couldn't recognize what it was, so he picked it up and brough it back to his house.
It was...well, I honestly don't even know how to describe it. Just look at the picture.
Master Squid always loved watching zamobie apocalypse movies and TV shows. He already rewatched the Walking Dead fourteen times, and he couldn't wait until the next episode. He also rewatched Gakuen Mokushiroku Haisukūru obu za Deddo (Highschool of the Dead) fifty-two times.
High School of the Dead
source: www.welovemoviesmorethanyou.com
Master Squid found zombie apocalypses suspenseful and thrilling. What he didn't know was that one was going to happen right after ou read this sentence.One night, Master Squid was taking a stroll. He couldn't go to sleep (he had too much coffee) and decided that some underwater night-time scenery would help calm his senses. As he walked down the path behind his house, he came across an object. In the darkness he couldn't recognize what it was, so he picked it up and brough it back to his house.
It was...well, I honestly don't even know how to describe it. Just look at the picture.
The Unknown Object
source: oneeyeddoll.storenvy.com
As Master Squid stared at the filthy thing, he noticed that it was alive. It made small scruping noises and shivered on the dining table where Master Squid had placed it. After a while, Master Squid thought it was cute and reached out to pet it. However, the thing bit his hand and then ran out of the house.
"OUCH! Ugh, stupid unknown object! I must punish it. TO THE SQUIDMOBILE!"
Master Squid climbed into the SquidMobile and raced after it. He chased the thing for milliseconds, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, fortnights, months, years, decades, centuries, milleniums...until it finally stopped. When the thing halted, Master Squid looked up to see why it did. In front of them stood...another unknown thing. But this time...this time, Master Squid could clearly see it.
The Quite Disturbing Object
source: www.funkyjunk.com
Master Squid gasped. It was...horrifying! What was it? He didn't want to know. He swerved the SquidMobile around and returned home. When he opened the door to enter his cozy house, he found another object sitting in the dark.
"UGH! Honestly, I'm so tired of finding random things! Please stop, Euwan!"
However, Euwan wouldn't stop. Afterall, she had to entertain Gabby somehow and that was through finding random objects via Google. Duhhh. When, Master Squid turned on the light, he saw:
Zombie Squid: You should've seen this coming. It was in the title.
Source: The-Ozzman on deviantart.com
Master Squid gasped. The thing moved closer to him.
"I am the mystical zombie squid from planet Zlgorg-Gruptnaurght. I have come to planet Earth to avenge my uncle: The Social Media Kraken!
A Depiction of the Social Media Kraken
Master Squid gasped again. He personally knew the Social Media Kraken. They had been best friends in middle school. Social Media Kraken wasn't relatively popular back then until that picture of him was released on Instagram back in 1932. It was quite a funny story of how it happened. Social Media Kraken was hanging out near the shoreline on a day when a schoolful of immature children decided to visit the ocean. These children, after a long bus ride, desperately needed to go to the bathroom, and as immature as they were, the peed in the ocean, right on top of Social Media Kraken. Social Media Kraken freaked out and went on a temper tantrum.
Zombie Squid tackled Master Squid while he was having his flashback. Master Squid snapped out of his flashback and fought with Zombie Squid. They wrestled on the floor. Master Squid punched Zombie Squid, breaking his siphon. Zombie Squid then punched Master Squid in the siphon too, breaking it...again.
"Ouch! I just had that fixed!"
"I'll come back for you next time! Muahahahaha!"
Zombie Squid staggered out of the house, gripping the bloody siphon.
And once again, MASTER SQUID HAD SAVED THE DAY!
THE END!
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Master Squid and the Constitution
Master Squid and the Constitution
Master Squid loved the idea of American democracy. He enjoyed reading old manuscripts from the 1700's about the development of the new country. One day, while Master Squid was reading a copy of the Constitution in the Squidville Citylandia Document Gallery, an old foe of American democracy appeared. It was... King George III! Master Squid gasped.
"OMG! It's King George III! You've been gaining some weight, man. Jesus Christ, where's the rice? Ever heard of a gym or a salad?"
(King George III)
*cue old-time British accent
"Excuse me!? How dare you insult my weight! I'm farely fond of it. If you're going to insult someone because of their weight, insult Daniel Lambert. Sheesh, that guy has really lost himself over the years."
(Daniel Lambert)
source: www.bbc.co.uk
Master Squid just stood there, gaping at the rival of his favorite hobbies. He didn't know what to say.
"Aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Yes but I have come to avenge the idea of a monarchy and tyrany in America! Now move down, young useless squid I do not know. I have some business to attend to with Thomas Paine and George Washington."
"Washington Carver?"
"No, George Washington."
"Washington Roebling?"
"No! George Washington!"
"You mean Riley Curry?"
Now, some of you who studied the American Revolution may know that King George III had a very short and hot temper. And so, he burst out into a temper tantrum.
"George Washington! I meant George Washington! The guy that the bridge was named after! The guy who was proclaimed as a hero for making American democracy when I made the idea of monarchy and tyranny! North Korea and Syria have to thank me for constituting such an amazing form of rule over the people! But noooooo, George Washington took all the credit for making a government that contradicts each other! For example, Obama! Like, come on, Obama! NOBODY HAS TIME FOR OBAMACARE! DAMMIT YOU EVEN NAMED THE PROGRAM AFTER YOURSESLF! SELFISH JERK!"
"Aren't you kind of being a hypocrit here?"
King George III had enough. He tackled Master Squid to the floor. Master Squid used his telepathic powers and teleported on top of a bookshelf. The bookshelf could not support his weight and toppled down on top of King George III. King George died that day...even though he was already have supposed to die.
And once again, MASTER SQUID HAS SAVED THE DAY (AND AMERICAN DEMOCRACY!)
THE END!
Friday, May 29, 2015
Master Squid and the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange
Master Squid and the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange
Master Squid always had a weird friend named Gubby. Gubby was...how do I put this...unique. Most of all, she enjoyed making typos into real words. One day, Master Squid was texting Gubby. Right before they had started texting, Gubby had translated bye into bue.
MS: No but the alluvial fan doesn't look like a fan!
G: Um, yes it does. It's called an alluvial FAN for a reason.
MS: Ugh. Science. It's so confusing.
G: Ik. Do you have any other questions for me? I need to shower.
MS: Yeah. Where are you going for the summer during July?
G: Oh wait, I gtg. BUE.
MS: BUE? You mean the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange? I love that place. The building is so decorative. I'll meet you there on July 17.
Master Squid bought an online plane ticket so that he can meet up with Gubby on July 17.
Buenos Aires Police Federation Record July 17-18, 2015:
8:12 AM- Mysterious squid identity appears in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:15 AM- Mysterious squid identity sits down on bench in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:30 AM- Myesterious squid identity is obviously depicted as fallen asleep on the bench in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:36 AM- Two cloaked hooligans gather around mysterious squid identity
8:39 AM- Two cloaked hooligans put mysterious squid identity in a potato sack
8:40 AM- Two cloaked hooligans take away potato sack containing mysterious squid identity.
3:51 PM- Mysterious squid identity returns. Siphon is clearly broken and covered in blood in the following regions: hands, tentacles, and siphon
3:56 PM- Mysterious squid identity sits back on bench in front of Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:13 PM- Mysterious squid identity still resides on bench in front of Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
11:24 PM- Two registered security guards place mysterious squid identity on floor and take away bench.
11:31 PM- Two registered security guards return and sit on top of mysterious squid identity and fall asleep.
2:47 AM- Two registered security guards get up and leave. Mysterious squid identity is still on the floor.
4:14 AM- Mysterious squid identity gets up. Scratches siphon continuosly as it is broken. Calls someone. Number is intercepted as +1 ***-***-**** (not shared for national security reasons)
6:42 AM- Mysterious squid identity leaves.
This is a report from FakeNewsCompanyWebsite.com:
A mysterious squid identity has disappeared from the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange. He is wanted by the FBI, because the federal agency believes that the entity was involved with the disappearance of Gubby Fish-and-Cheeseburger. If you have any information about this identity, please contact squidstoriesforgabby.blogspot.com. Thank you.
And even though Master Squid has disappeared, HE HAS SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!
THE END or is it? Where is Master Squid? Find out on squidstoriesforgabby.blogspot.com.
Master Squid always had a weird friend named Gubby. Gubby was...how do I put this...unique. Most of all, she enjoyed making typos into real words. One day, Master Squid was texting Gubby. Right before they had started texting, Gubby had translated bye into bue.
MS: No but the alluvial fan doesn't look like a fan!
G: Um, yes it does. It's called an alluvial FAN for a reason.
MS: Ugh. Science. It's so confusing.
G: Ik. Do you have any other questions for me? I need to shower.
MS: Yeah. Where are you going for the summer during July?
G: Oh wait, I gtg. BUE.
MS: BUE? You mean the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange? I love that place. The building is so decorative. I'll meet you there on July 17.
Master Squid bought an online plane ticket so that he can meet up with Gubby on July 17.
Buenos Aires Police Federation Record July 17-18, 2015:
8:12 AM- Mysterious squid identity appears in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:15 AM- Mysterious squid identity sits down on bench in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:30 AM- Myesterious squid identity is obviously depicted as fallen asleep on the bench in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:36 AM- Two cloaked hooligans gather around mysterious squid identity
8:39 AM- Two cloaked hooligans put mysterious squid identity in a potato sack
8:40 AM- Two cloaked hooligans take away potato sack containing mysterious squid identity.
3:51 PM- Mysterious squid identity returns. Siphon is clearly broken and covered in blood in the following regions: hands, tentacles, and siphon
3:56 PM- Mysterious squid identity sits back on bench in front of Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:13 PM- Mysterious squid identity still resides on bench in front of Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
11:24 PM- Two registered security guards place mysterious squid identity on floor and take away bench.
11:31 PM- Two registered security guards return and sit on top of mysterious squid identity and fall asleep.
2:47 AM- Two registered security guards get up and leave. Mysterious squid identity is still on the floor.
4:14 AM- Mysterious squid identity gets up. Scratches siphon continuosly as it is broken. Calls someone. Number is intercepted as +1 ***-***-**** (not shared for national security reasons)
6:42 AM- Mysterious squid identity leaves.
This is a report from FakeNewsCompanyWebsite.com:
A mysterious squid identity has disappeared from the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange. He is wanted by the FBI, because the federal agency believes that the entity was involved with the disappearance of Gubby Fish-and-Cheeseburger. If you have any information about this identity, please contact squidstoriesforgabby.blogspot.com. Thank you.
And even though Master Squid has disappeared, HE HAS SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!
THE END or is it? Where is Master Squid? Find out on squidstoriesforgabby.blogspot.com.
Master Squid and the Circle of Life
Master Squid and the Circle of Life
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~!
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight~.
Master Squid had always loved Lion King ever since he was young. Every night, before he went to sleep, he watched the movies over and over again. Although Lion King 2 was amazing, he honestly enjoed the first one more. He felt that it was a lot more original. And so, on the night of May 29, he climbed into bed and turned on the Lion King on the nearby TV. Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~! Right after that phrase, the TV screen went black. Master Squid gasped. He then started to cry.
"Where's my Lion King? I want it and I want it now!"
Master Squid sulked in his bed for hours, just like Euwan had on the bus when she noticed that she forgot her science textbooks. Suddenly, a face appeared on the screen. It was...it was... SIMBA!
"Ew! It's that old time, asian, ripoff version of Lion King! Ew ew! Get it off of my screen!"
Master Squid covered his face with his tentacles, trying to shield his eyes from the TV screen. The tV screen never shut off or moved. The picture just stood there, torturing Master Squid. Giving him pain, immense pain. PAIN THAT WAS SO PAINFUL THAT MASTER SQUID'S SOUL WAS DRIVEN TO THE EXTENT OF COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF, HAVING BEEN OBLIVIOUS TO THE PAIN THAT ENCRYPTED HIS SOUL FOR MANY CENTURIES BEFORE, AND AS HIS CORPSE DECOMPOSES, HIS MIND FLOATS OFF TO A NEW DAWN, A NEW AGE WHERE HE CAN ONCE AGAIN BE FREE AND THEN RIGHT AFTER BE ENCOURSED AGAINST THE IMMENSE PAIN THAT HAS DRIVEN HIM TO HIS TORTURING AGONY. As Master Squid cried, a faint song played from the TV. It went: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight~. Master Squid eased at the beautiful music that played faintly but he didn't dare look at the screen in fear of seeing Kimba. Suddenly, the TV screen changed. It was a video of Simba fighting Kimba! Master Squid shrieked in both terror and joy.
"Go Simba, go! I believe in you! Defeat that hooligan!"
"Hello? Anyone there? Simba? Kimba? Hello?"
Suddenly a bright light streaked through the room. Out appeared a Big Mouth Billy Bass. Master Squid immediately recognized him. It was the famous Brass Pitt (get it? Cuz it's Brad Pitt?). Brass Pitt had gotten famous because of his beautiful singing voice (You can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m80jt6bm6ZA).
"Brass Pitt! I love you! Can I get a signature on my siphon?"
"That's not the important thing here, Master Squid. You have a mission."
"What is it? What do I need to do."
"Come walk with me."
A small dirt path appeared in the dark room leading to a small garden. Master Squid walked next to Brass Pitt.
"Master Squid, you must learn that no matter what, all of us are the same. Kimba and Simba are the same. One must not judge each other and be prejudiced. We are one together. This is the Circle of Life"
"WTF. Is this some kind of yoga/Shakespeare thing?"
"Um no."
"Oh is this a satanic cult ritual? Are we sacrificing Kimba? I'm totally down for that."
"Ugh I give up. Goodbye."
Master Squid's view faded away and he was back in his bed. And like that, MASTER SQUID HAD SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~THE END!
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~!
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight~.
Master Squid had always loved Lion King ever since he was young. Every night, before he went to sleep, he watched the movies over and over again. Although Lion King 2 was amazing, he honestly enjoed the first one more. He felt that it was a lot more original. And so, on the night of May 29, he climbed into bed and turned on the Lion King on the nearby TV. Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~! Right after that phrase, the TV screen went black. Master Squid gasped. He then started to cry.
"Where's my Lion King? I want it and I want it now!"
Master Squid sulked in his bed for hours, just like Euwan had on the bus when she noticed that she forgot her science textbooks. Suddenly, a face appeared on the screen. It was...it was... SIMBA!
(Oops, sorry. Typo. I meant Kimba.)
Master Squid screamed. "Ew! It's that old time, asian, ripoff version of Lion King! Ew ew! Get it off of my screen!"
Master Squid covered his face with his tentacles, trying to shield his eyes from the TV screen. The tV screen never shut off or moved. The picture just stood there, torturing Master Squid. Giving him pain, immense pain. PAIN THAT WAS SO PAINFUL THAT MASTER SQUID'S SOUL WAS DRIVEN TO THE EXTENT OF COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF, HAVING BEEN OBLIVIOUS TO THE PAIN THAT ENCRYPTED HIS SOUL FOR MANY CENTURIES BEFORE, AND AS HIS CORPSE DECOMPOSES, HIS MIND FLOATS OFF TO A NEW DAWN, A NEW AGE WHERE HE CAN ONCE AGAIN BE FREE AND THEN RIGHT AFTER BE ENCOURSED AGAINST THE IMMENSE PAIN THAT HAS DRIVEN HIM TO HIS TORTURING AGONY. As Master Squid cried, a faint song played from the TV. It went: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight~. Master Squid eased at the beautiful music that played faintly but he didn't dare look at the screen in fear of seeing Kimba. Suddenly, the TV screen changed. It was a video of Simba fighting Kimba! Master Squid shrieked in both terror and joy.
"Go Simba, go! I believe in you! Defeat that hooligan!"
Simba and Kimba fought each other. It was a brutal battle. But Simba obviously had the advantage, since he was a newer version and had more character development. Just before Simba delivered the finishing blow, Master Squid was teleported to a dark room. "Hello? Anyone there? Simba? Kimba? Hello?"
Suddenly a bright light streaked through the room. Out appeared a Big Mouth Billy Bass. Master Squid immediately recognized him. It was the famous Brass Pitt (get it? Cuz it's Brad Pitt?). Brass Pitt had gotten famous because of his beautiful singing voice (You can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m80jt6bm6ZA).
"Brass Pitt! I love you! Can I get a signature on my siphon?"
"That's not the important thing here, Master Squid. You have a mission."
"What is it? What do I need to do."
"Come walk with me."
A small dirt path appeared in the dark room leading to a small garden. Master Squid walked next to Brass Pitt.
"Master Squid, you must learn that no matter what, all of us are the same. Kimba and Simba are the same. One must not judge each other and be prejudiced. We are one together. This is the Circle of Life"
"WTF. Is this some kind of yoga/Shakespeare thing?"
"Um no."
"Oh is this a satanic cult ritual? Are we sacrificing Kimba? I'm totally down for that."
"Ugh I give up. Goodbye."
Master Squid's view faded away and he was back in his bed. And like that, MASTER SQUID HAD SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~THE END!
Master Squid and the Bloomer Platform
Master Squid used to have a friend named Fishburger. She was a very vigilant girl who was sometimes too confident. But everyone still loved her and she had many friends. However, one day her dog ran into a volcano. Fishburger chased after the dog but she fell into the water and died. Her corpse was never found. And some of you may know that in the movies, in a situation like this, Fishburger would come out as a villain and attack poor canines as revenge and of course Master Squid would come along and save the day. However, this is a weird-ass blog about mystical pedo vans and squid so I don't think that is going to happen.
Master Squid climbed out of his bed and stretched all of his tentacles. His siphon was still broken from the other adventure (if you know what I am talking about) but it was healing slowly. He ate breakfast and took a walk outside. As he walked he noticed a pretty bird was sitting on a tree. Master Squid took out his phone to take a picture but the bird flew away.
"OH NO! I need a picture of that bird! To the Squidmobile!"
Master Squid rushed to his garage and turned on the ignition of the Squidmobile.
(The squidmobile)
"LET'S SQUIDDADLE!"
Master Squid zoomed through the streets and chased after the pretty bird. Hours passed but the bird never stopped flying. Master Squid stopped driving when the bird finally settled into a nearby tree. Master Squid looked around. He was at the top of a volcanic mountain. Lava boiled beneath him. It was quiet except for the bubbles popping into the molten lava. Until...
"MUAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA-*cough cough."
Master Squid looked up to the sky where the voice was coming from. There stood Fishburger, wrinkled and old with age. Master Squid screamed, not because of the sight of seeing an old childhood friend who was supposed to be boiled and incinerated in a volcano but because of the platform she was standing on.
(Those of you who watch Mayoi Neko Overrun would understand this picture)
It was a platform in the shape of a bloomer! Behind her was a clan of high school boys softly singing the Bloomer Song. Master Squid gasped at the sight. Blood streaked out of his siphon. And then he broke out into a grin.
Singing along with the younger boys, Master Squid hung out with Fishburger for the rest of the day. Apparently Fishburger never did die. She had fallen onto a ledge on the side of the volcano pit and had no way of getting back up. And apparently there was also a group of middle school boys who had dared each other to land onto the ledge but were stuck there. Fishburger was also wearing a bloomer at that time (I know. She was walking her dog in a bloomer) and the boys, being hormone driven, worshipped her. The boys built the majestic platform and they had lived in the volcano ever since. After recollecting memories Master Squid parted and returned home. And even though there was nothing to save, MASTER SQUID HAD SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!
THE END
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Master Squid and the Math Competition of Impedent Doom
Master Squid was always good at math. He attended the honors class back in 1854 when he was a freshman in high school. And so when the fliers for the Math competition were posted around the town of Squidville Citylandia, he immediately signed up. He didn't bother to prepare. He already knew that he would win. However, what he didn't know was that something dark was lurking behind that math competition.
And so the day came for the math competition. Master Squid showed up, confident in himself. Afterall, the prize was a free tentacle massage at the Grand Ocean Spa. Master Squid sat down on one of the setup chairs. There was a small desk in front of him and two mechanical pencils. There were no other people. This made Master Squid suspicious. The fliers were posted everywhere but why hadn't anyone shown up? Master Squid ponderes as a huge gaping hole opened up underneath his chair. He screamed as he fell through the hole. He landed in a vat filled with green liquod. Standing on a platform right outside of the vat was Mrs.Flounder! Master Squid gasped with anger.
"MUAHAHAHA Master Squid, you have fallen into my trap! I have always known you liked math so I-"
"Oh shut up. Why do villains always have to explain their plan? Useless."
"UGH RUDE! I AM BEAUTIFUL! DO NOT INSULT ME LIKE THAT! Anyway, I plan on incinerating you with the liquid you are currently swimming in. PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM! MUAHAHAHAHAH!"
"This is just watwr and food coloring. What are you talking about?"
"SHUT UP YOU!"
Mrs.Flounder leaped into the vat to tackle him. What she forgot was that she is allergic to food coloring. Once the liquid touched her, she bloated up. Master Squid used her body to push himself out of the vat.
"This is what you get for messing with Master Squid!"
Master Squid ran out of the building as Mrs.Flounder took out her shots.
"I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!"
And like that, Master Squid saves the day again!
THE END
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Mystical Pedo Van Filled w/ Kidnapped Squids
Mystical Pedo Van Filled w/ Kidnapped Squids
Master Squid was taking a NJ Transit bus in order to go home after working at a hot dog stand all day long for minimum pay. He was extremely tired and fell asleep immediately. A loud scrooping sound woke him and he noticed that he missed his stop. Now, Master Squid was very fustrated. He yelled into the ear of a very old lady that was sitting next to him. "Jesus Christ, where the rice?!" the poor old lady yelled."The rice is located in the Czech Republic in the town of Buřenice. Do you wish for me to accompany you there? You seem like you need some help since you're so old."
The poor old lady was offended by this comment and slammed her purse into his face. Master Squid was incredibly upset now. He missed his stop and now his siphon hurt. Master Squid cried as he looked longingly out the window. An object catched his attention as he looked out the window. It was a large, black van. It looked very suspicious to him. And so he teleported out of the bus with his magical powers and landed on top of the van. He licked the metal and said "This is a mystical pedo van blessed by the evil •|• || !¡ : , who also happens to be the brother of the mystical ㅓ:ㄱ! I must save the poor squids trapped in this vile vehicle!"
(Galactic Language)
And so Master Squid, using his magical squid powers, manuevered the van and crashed it into a telephone pole. And that was when •|• || !¡ : appeared. Master Squid gasped as •|• || !¡ : showed his face. It was so hideous that Master Squid used his long tentacles to squeeze •|• || !¡ : to death. The van poofed and disappeared, leaving the young squids free of their impeding doom. Master Squid had saved the day again!
THE END
An Introduction to Master Squid
THE ADVENTURES OF MASTER SQUID RECITED (WRITTEN) JUST FOR GABBY
(Picture of an albino pedo van)
Characters
Master Squid- The hero of our beloved stories
Evil Stingray- An arch enemy of Master Squid. They went to the same school (get it because they're fish?) but the teacher chose Master Squid to be field day captain over him.
Master Ninja- A friend of Master Squid that occasionally supports him during adventures.
Mrs. Flounder- Another evil villainess that seeks to destroy the world, however Master Squid always saves the day and destroys her plans.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)