Master Squid and the Constitution

Master Squid and the Constitution
Master Squid loved the idea of American democracy. He enjoyed reading old manuscripts from the 1700's about the development of the new country. One day, while Master Squid was reading a copy of the Constitution in the Squidville Citylandia Document Gallery, an old foe of American democracy appeared. It was... King George III! Master Squid gasped.
"OMG! It's King George III! You've been gaining some weight, man. Jesus Christ, where's the rice? Ever heard of a gym or a salad?"

(King George III)

source: http://uploads.neatorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/220_462pxGeorgeIV.jpg

*cue old-time British accent

"Excuse me!? How dare you insult my weight! I'm farely fond of it. If you're going to insult someone because of their weight, insult Daniel Lambert. Sheesh, that guy has really lost himself over the years."

 

(Daniel Lambert)

source: www.bbc.co.uk

Master Squid just stood there, gaping at the rival of his favorite hobbies. He didn't know what to say.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Yes but I have come to avenge the idea of a monarchy and tyrany in America! Now move down, young useless squid I do not know. I have some business to attend to with Thomas Paine and George Washington."

"Washington Carver?"

"No, George Washington."

"Washington Roebling?"

"No! George Washington!"

"You mean Riley Curry?"

Now, some of you who studied the American Revolution may know that King George III had a very short and hot temper. And so, he burst out into a temper tantrum.

"George Washington! I meant George Washington! The guy that the bridge was named after! The guy who was proclaimed as a hero for making American democracy when I made the idea of monarchy and tyranny! North Korea and Syria have to thank me for constituting such an amazing form of rule over the people! But noooooo, George Washington took all the credit for making a government that contradicts each other! For example, Obama! Like, come on, Obama! NOBODY HAS TIME FOR OBAMACARE! DAMMIT YOU EVEN NAMED THE PROGRAM AFTER YOURSESLF! SELFISH JERK!"

"Aren't you kind of being a hypocrit here?"

King George III had enough. He tackled Master Squid to the floor. Master Squid used his telepathic powers and teleported on top of a bookshelf. The bookshelf could not support his weight and toppled down on top of King George III. King George died that day...even though he was already have supposed to die.

And once again, MASTER SQUID HAS SAVED THE DAY (AND AMERICAN DEMOCRACY!)

 

THE END!

 

 

Master Squid and the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange

Master Squid and the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange
Master Squid always had a weird friend named Gubby. Gubby was...how do I put this...unique. Most of all, she enjoyed making typos into real words. One day, Master Squid was texting Gubby. Right before they had started texting, Gubby had translated bye into bue.

MS: No but the alluvial fan doesn't look like a fan!
G: Um, yes it does. It's called an alluvial FAN for a reason.
MS: Ugh. Science. It's so confusing.
G: Ik. Do you have any other questions for me? I need to shower.
MS: Yeah. Where are you going for the summer during July?
G: Oh wait, I gtg. BUE.
MS: BUE? You mean the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange? I love that place. The building is so decorative. I'll meet you there on July 17.

Master Squid bought an online plane ticket so that he can meet up with Gubby on July 17.

Buenos Aires Police Federation Record July 17-18, 2015:
8:12 AM- Mysterious squid identity appears in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:15 AM- Mysterious squid identity sits down on bench in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:30 AM- Myesterious squid identity is obviously depicted as fallen asleep on the bench in front of the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:36 AM- Two cloaked hooligans gather around mysterious squid identity
8:39 AM- Two cloaked hooligans put mysterious squid identity in a potato sack
8:40 AM- Two cloaked hooligans take away potato sack containing mysterious squid identity.
3:51 PM- Mysterious squid identity returns. Siphon is clearly broken and covered in blood in the following regions: hands, tentacles, and siphon
3:56 PM- Mysterious squid identity sits back on bench in front of Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
8:13 PM- Mysterious squid identity still resides on bench in front of Buenos Aires Stock Exchange (BUE)
11:24 PM- Two registered security guards place mysterious squid identity on floor and take away bench.
11:31 PM- Two registered security guards return and sit on top of mysterious squid identity and fall asleep.
2:47 AM- Two registered security guards get up and leave. Mysterious squid identity is still on the floor.
4:14 AM- Mysterious squid identity gets up. Scratches siphon continuosly as it is broken. Calls someone. Number is intercepted as +1 ***-***-**** (not shared for national security reasons)
6:42 AM- Mysterious squid identity leaves.

This is a report from FakeNewsCompanyWebsite.com:
A mysterious squid identity has disappeared from the Buenos Aires Stock Exchange. He is wanted by the FBI, because the federal agency believes that the entity was involved with the disappearance of Gubby Fish-and-Cheeseburger. If you have any information about this identity, please contact squidstoriesforgabby.blogspot.com. Thank you.

And even though Master Squid has disappeared, HE HAS SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!

THE END or is it? Where is Master Squid? Find out on squidstoriesforgabby.blogspot.com.

Master Squid and the Circle of Life

Master Squid and the Circle of Life
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~!
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight~.
Master Squid had always loved Lion King ever since he was young. Every night, before he went to sleep, he watched the movies over and over again. Although Lion King 2 was amazing, he honestly enjoed the first one more. He felt that it was a lot more original. And so, on the night of May 29, he climbed into bed and turned on the Lion King on the nearby TV. Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~! Right after that phrase, the TV screen went black. Master Squid gasped. He then started to cry.
"Where's my Lion King? I want it and I want it now!"
Master Squid sulked in his bed for hours, just like Euwan had on the bus when she noticed that she forgot her science textbooks. Suddenly, a face appeared on the screen. It was...it was... SIMBA!

(Oops, sorry. Typo. I meant Kimba.)



Master Squid screamed.
"Ew! It's that old time, asian, ripoff version of Lion King! Ew ew! Get it off of my screen!"
Master Squid covered his face with his tentacles, trying to shield his eyes from the TV screen. The tV screen never shut off or moved. The picture just stood there, torturing Master Squid. Giving him pain, immense pain. PAIN THAT WAS SO PAINFUL THAT MASTER SQUID'S SOUL WAS DRIVEN TO THE EXTENT OF COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF, HAVING BEEN OBLIVIOUS TO THE PAIN THAT ENCRYPTED HIS SOUL FOR MANY CENTURIES BEFORE, AND AS HIS CORPSE DECOMPOSES, HIS MIND FLOATS OFF TO A NEW DAWN, A NEW AGE WHERE HE CAN ONCE AGAIN BE FREE AND THEN RIGHT AFTER BE ENCOURSED AGAINST THE IMMENSE PAIN THAT HAS DRIVEN HIM TO HIS TORTURING AGONY. As Master Squid cried, a faint song played from the TV. It went: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight~. Master Squid eased at the beautiful music that played faintly but he didn't dare look at the screen in fear of seeing Kimba. Suddenly, the TV screen changed. It was a video of Simba fighting Kimba! Master Squid shrieked in both terror and joy.
"Go Simba, go! I believe in you! Defeat that hooligan!"



Simba and Kimba fought each other. It was a brutal battle. But Simba obviously had the advantage, since he was a newer version and had more character development. Just before Simba delivered the finishing blow, Master Squid was teleported to a dark room.
"Hello? Anyone there? Simba? Kimba? Hello?"
Suddenly a bright light streaked through the room. Out appeared a Big Mouth Billy Bass. Master Squid immediately recognized him. It was the famous Brass Pitt (get it? Cuz it's Brad Pitt?). Brass Pitt had gotten famous because of his beautiful singing voice (You can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m80jt6bm6ZA).

"Brass Pitt! I love you! Can I get a signature on my siphon?"
"That's not the important thing here, Master Squid. You have a mission."
"What is it? What do I need to do."
"Come walk with me."
A small dirt path appeared in the dark room leading to a small garden. Master Squid walked next to Brass Pitt.
"Master Squid, you must learn that no matter what, all of us are the same. Kimba and Simba are the same. One must not judge each other and be prejudiced. We are one together. This is the Circle of Life"
"WTF. Is this some kind of yoga/Shakespeare thing?"
"Um no."
"Oh is this a satanic cult ritual? Are we sacrificing Kimba? I'm totally down for that."
"Ugh I give up. Goodbye."
Master Squid's view faded away and he was back in his bed. And like that, MASTER SQUID HAD SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!

 Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba~THE END!

Master Squid and the Bloomer Platform

Master Squid used to have a friend named Fishburger. She was a very vigilant girl who was sometimes too confident. But everyone still loved her and she had many friends. However, one day her dog ran into a volcano. Fishburger chased after the dog but she fell into the water and died. Her corpse was never found. And some of you may know that in the movies, in a situation like this, Fishburger would come out as a villain and attack poor canines as revenge and of course Master Squid would come along and save the day. However, this is a weird-ass blog about mystical pedo vans and squid so I don't think that is going to happen. 

Master Squid climbed out of his bed and stretched all of his tentacles. His siphon was still broken from the other adventure (if you know what I am talking about) but it was healing slowly. He ate breakfast and took a walk outside. As he walked he noticed a pretty bird was sitting on a tree. Master Squid took out his phone to take a picture but the bird flew away. 

"OH NO! I need a picture of that bird! To the Squidmobile!"

Master Squid rushed to his garage and turned on the ignition of the Squidmobile. 

(The squidmobile)

"LET'S SQUIDDADLE!"

Master Squid zoomed through the streets and chased after the pretty bird. Hours passed but the bird never stopped flying. Master Squid stopped driving when the bird finally settled into a nearby tree. Master Squid looked around. He was at the top of a volcanic mountain. Lava boiled beneath him. It was quiet except for the bubbles popping into the molten lava. Until...

"MUAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA-*cough cough."

Master Squid looked up to the sky where the voice was coming from. There stood Fishburger, wrinkled and old with age. Master Squid screamed, not because of the sight of seeing an old childhood friend who was supposed to be boiled and incinerated in a volcano but because of the platform she was standing on. 

(Those of you who watch Mayoi Neko Overrun would understand this picture)

It was a platform in the shape of a bloomer! Behind her was a clan of high school boys softly singing the Bloomer Song. Master Squid gasped at the sight. Blood streaked out of his siphon. And then he broke out into a grin.

Singing along with the younger boys, Master Squid hung out with Fishburger for the rest of the day. Apparently Fishburger never did die. She had fallen onto a ledge on the side of the volcano pit and had no way of getting back up. And apparently there was also a group of middle school boys who had dared each other to land onto the ledge but were stuck there. Fishburger was also wearing a bloomer at that time (I know. She was walking her dog in a bloomer) and the boys, being hormone driven, worshipped her. The boys built the majestic platform and they had lived in the volcano ever since. After recollecting memories Master Squid parted and returned home. And even though there was nothing to save, MASTER SQUID HAD SAVED THE DAY AGAIN!

THE END

Master Squid and the Math Competition of Impedent Doom

Master Squid was always good at math. He attended the honors class back in 1854 when he was a freshman in high school. And so when the fliers for the Math competition were posted around the town of Squidville Citylandia, he immediately signed up. He didn't bother to prepare. He already knew that he would win. However, what he didn't know was that something dark was lurking behind that math competition.

And so the day came for the math competition. Master Squid showed up, confident in himself. Afterall, the prize was a free tentacle massage at the Grand Ocean Spa. Master Squid sat down on one of the setup chairs. There was a small desk in front of him and two mechanical pencils. There were no other people. This made Master Squid suspicious. The fliers were posted everywhere but why hadn't anyone shown up? Master Squid ponderes as a huge gaping hole opened up underneath his chair. He screamed as he fell through the hole. He landed in a vat filled with green liquod. Standing on a platform right outside of the vat was Mrs.Flounder! Master Squid gasped with anger. 

"MUAHAHAHA Master Squid, you have fallen into my trap! I have always known you liked math so I-"

"Oh shut up. Why do villains always have to explain their plan? Useless."

"UGH RUDE! I AM BEAUTIFUL! DO NOT INSULT ME LIKE THAT! Anyway, I plan on incinerating you with the liquid you are currently swimming in. PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM! MUAHAHAHAHAH!"

"This is just watwr and food coloring. What are you talking about?"

"SHUT UP YOU!"

Mrs.Flounder leaped into the vat to tackle him. What she forgot was that she is allergic to food coloring. Once the liquid touched her, she bloated up. Master Squid used her body to push himself out of the vat. 

"This is what you get for messing with Master Squid!"

Master Squid ran out of the building as Mrs.Flounder took out her shots. 

"I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!"

And like that, Master Squid saves the day again!

THE END

Mystical Pedo Van Filled w/ Kidnapped Squids

Mystical Pedo Van Filled w/ Kidnapped Squids

Master Squid was taking a NJ Transit bus in order to go home after working at a hot dog stand all day long for minimum pay. He was extremely tired and fell asleep immediately. A loud scrooping sound woke him and he noticed that he missed his stop. Now, Master Squid was very fustrated. He yelled into the ear of a very old lady that was sitting next to him. "Jesus Christ, where the rice?!" the poor old lady yelled.
"The rice is located in the Czech Republic in the town of Buřenice. Do you wish for me to accompany you there? You seem like you need some help since you're so old."
The poor old lady was offended by this comment and slammed her purse into his face. Master Squid was incredibly upset now. He missed his stop and now his siphon hurt. Master Squid cried as he looked longingly out the window. An object catched his attention as he looked out the window. It was a large, black van. It looked very suspicious to him. And so he teleported out of the bus with his magical powers and landed on top of the van. He licked the metal and said "This is a mystical pedo van blessed by the evil •|• || !¡ : , who also happens to be the brother of the mystical ㅓ:ㄱ! I must save the poor squids trapped in this vile vehicle!" 

(Galactic Language)

And so Master Squid, using his magical squid powers, manuevered the van and crashed it into a telephone pole. And that was when •|• || !¡ : appeared. Master Squid gasped as •|• || !¡ : showed his face. It was so hideous that Master Squid used his long tentacles to squeeze •|• || !¡ : to death. The van poofed and disappeared, leaving the young squids free of their impeding doom. Master Squid had saved the day again!

THE END

An Introduction to Master Squid

THE ADVENTURES OF MASTER SQUID RECITED (WRITTEN) JUST FOR GABBY

(Picture of an albino pedo van)

Characters

Master Squid- The hero of our beloved stories

Evil Stingray- An arch enemy of Master Squid. They went to the same school (get it because they're fish?) but the teacher chose Master Squid to be field day captain over him. 

Master Ninja- A friend of Master Squid that occasionally supports him during adventures.

Mrs. Flounder- Another evil villainess that seeks to destroy the world, however Master Squid always saves the day and destroys her plans.