Opening Intro: BUM BUM DE BUM DADA~~~
Master Squid: Hello, everyone! This is Master Squid here welcoming you to Squid News on Channel 666 at 9 PM, where things that are really simple are drastically changed into something that is similar to the porn scenes in the anime "Food Wars". Here, we introduce our fellow celebrity friends: Brass Pitt and Kim Kardash-EEL-ian.
Brass Pitt: Thanks, Master Squid. It's great to be here.
Master Squid: (*sarcastic voice) Is it really, Brass? Is it really that great to be here?
Brass Pitt: (*throws chair at Master Squid)
Screen: We are experiencing technical difficult-YOU KNOW WHAT? WE AREN'T. BRASS PITT HAS GONE INSANE! Perhaps his part in World War Z has driven him to insanity because he was such a bad actor.
Master Squid: We are back. Brass has been calmed. Everything is perfectly fine.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Oh my. That was intense. My beautiful face can't stand this nonsense!
Master Squid: (*laughs) You're right, Kim! That was an intense start. Anyway, let's get down to business.
Brass Pitt: Business? I DON'T WANT BUSINESS! I JUST WANT TO JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE TO ESCAPE ZOMBIES AND LOOK SPARKINGLY HANDSOME AS I PARACHUTE DOWN THE SKY WITH ROTTEN CORPSES TRAILING BEHIND ME! (*throws chair at Kim)
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: OH SEAWEED!
Screen: We are experiencing some difficulties. No, they're not technical.
Master Squid: Hello, we are back...again. Brass Pitt is now tied into his chair. He will be sent to a nearby mental hospital after the program for treatment.
Brass Pitt: I DON'T NEED TREATMENT! I AM FAMOUS, BEAUTIFUL, AND RICH!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Someone please put a gag on him. Kanye! Please tie my Gubbi (underwater parody of Gucchi, obviously) handkerchief to shut him up.
Kanye East: (*ties handkerchief and gags Brass)
Master Squid: Moving along, a young fish went missing last Monday. Her name is Gubby Fishburger. How would you react to this, Brass?
Brass Pitt: grumabdinwbsiqn... GEOWNFIJD!
Master Squid: Hmmm, interesting. And what about you, Kim?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I don't really care. At least if I'm rich and beautiful, which I am.
Master Squid: Very interesting responses. Moving along, how do you guys feel about tines? They're saltines but without salt.
Brass Pitt: ...
Master Squid: Brass seems to have escaped. Hopefully the coast guard can find him before he runs off to Japan or something.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Oh my. This is such a stressful matter. My hair just can't handle this much stress!
Master Squid: Well, it looks as if we need to continue the program. So Kim, how would you react if someone kidnapped you like Gabby Fishburger?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I’d probably call my honey-boo, Kanye, to come pick me up with my 12 karat gold, diamond-studded ePhone 17. Duhhh, it’s something anyone would do.
Master Squid: Ok...
Kanye East: (*drags in handcuffed Brass Pitt)
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Kanye! Honey, why did you bring the filthy thing here? Ugh, he's ruining my personal bubble.Kanye East: ... (*does the Kanye face and walks off set)
The angry Kanye face
source:
Brass Pitt: I think that I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM BRASS PITT! THE MOST HANDSOME, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING MAN THAT HAS EVER LIVED! I AM SUPERIOR TO EVERYTHING! 'SBLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF TOUCHING ME!
Master Squid: It looks as if Brass is being a little too aesthetic and dignified right now. Looks like we have to calm him down a little bit. Someone get him some NyQuil.
Brass Pitt: I don't need NyQuil! Leave me alone! This body can not be touched! It is the holy grail! I AM THE HOLY GRAIL! THOU DOES NOT DESERVE TOUCH ME! THIS IS AN INTANGIBLE BODY!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Please do lower your voices. I'm trying to fix my makeup.
Master Squid: Someone, please get some NyQuil. Cameraman, can you pass us the bottle?
Cameraman: No thank you. I'm too busy being amazing.
Brass Pitt: Excuse me!? No one is amazing but me! BRASS PITT IS THE ONLY AMAZING PERSON HERE! (*jumps at camera)
Screen: I think this is getting a lil too dangerous. Celebrities sure are scary.
Master Squid: We are back. Brass has been injected with some NyQuil. Hopefully, it doesn't kill him. Now, Brass and Kim, how do you feel about the whole celebrity Illuminati thing?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I don't care. At least if I'm beautiful when I make a triangle.
Brass Pitt: The celebrity Illuminati? I CREATED IT! I AM THE GOD OF EVERYTHING! I MADE EVERYTHING! I AM THE RULER OF THE ILLUMINATI, THE PLANET, THE WORLD, THE UNIVERSE, THE HYPOTHETICAL MULTIVERSE! EVEN STRING THEORY! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Master Squid: Hmm, unique answers. Yes.
Brass Pitt: I CREATED THIS WORLD! I AM THE CREATOR OF THE GLORIOUS PC MASTER RACE! THOSE FILTHY CONSOLE PEASANTS DON'T DESERVE MY LOVE! MUAHAHAHAH!
The Glorious PC Gaming Master Race and the Dirty Console Peasant
History: On January 23rd, 2008, online video game magazine The Escapist published a review episode of the PC game The Witcher as part of their review series “Zero Punctuation.” In the video, the narrator quips how The Witcher’s complex structure makes the gaming experience optimized for PC users so that “those dirty console playing peasants don’t ruin it for the glorious PC gaming master race.” Within six years, the episode gathered over 400 comments and 650 Facebook likes on the Escapist website. (knowyourmeme.com)
Source: usgamer.net
Master Squid: It looks like Brass is acting up again. Someone bring the NyQuil again. Clean syringe please. We don't want Brass to die now, do we?
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: Oh, I would appreciate it if he did. He's ruining my spotlight, babbling on about petty things. How low.
Brass Pitt: You can't kill this beauty! I am the covenant of 'sblood! I am the holy grail! I make this world function! I am the glorious PC GAMING MASTER RACE AND THE CELEBRITY ILLUMINATI! MUAHAHAHA!
Master Squid: PLEASE SOMEONE GET SOME NYQUIL FOR HIM! I THINK HE'S GOING TO BLOW SOMETHING UP!
Brass Pitt: WATCH OUT! I'M GOING TO RISE ABOVE ALL OF YOU! oh wait...I ALREADY HAVE! BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER! (*stands on top of table) OBEY ME!!! (*throws Master Squid at camera)
Screen: I would recommend changing the channel if you have children watching.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: SEAWEED! HE'S PULLING MY HAIR! KANYE EAST, YOU GET HERE RIGHT NOW AND PULL THIS FILTHY THING OFF ME!
Kanye East: (*walks onto set and picks up Brass. Throws him at wall)
Master Squid: Please, everyone, be calm.
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: I can't be calm! My hair's a mess!
Brass Pitt: I planted a stinkbomb in you hair, Kim! HAHAHA! That's what you get for saying you were beautiful! I am more beautiful! I'M THE MOST BEAUTIFUL!
Kanye East: I can't be married to someone with a stinkbomb in her hair. We're having a divorce!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: What about Nory? I get to keep her!
Kanye East: I'm fine with that!
Master Squid: This is chaotic. I'm going out for a coffee break.
Brass Pitt: No one is leaving without bowing down to me as their one and only ruler!
Kim Kardash-EEL-ian: There's no way I'm doing that! I'm out of here. (*tries to walk but Brass throws chair at her, causing her to fall as a hot mess)
Master Squid: Someone! Security! Do something!
Cameraman: Sorry. I'm busy breathing.
Master Squid: You're a horrible cameraman. Well, actually you're not. You're doing a great job recording all this...wait. THIS IS LIVE! EVERYONE IS WATCHING US! CAMERAMAN, CUT IT! STOP RECORDING. STOP THE CAMERA!
Cameraman: Sorry. I told you I was busy.
Kanye East: I can't be seen with such a filthy woman like Kim Kardash-EEL-ian. I'll turn off the camera. (*picks up Brass Pitt and throws him at the camera)
Screen: I'm glad that that's over.
And so, Master Squid has experieced being an anchorman for Squid News from Channel 666. No, this time, he didn't save anything. Rather, Kanye East did. How ironic...
