*author dramatically stands on cliff wearing cloak as her hair whips in the wind and sad music plays in the background (no, it's not the disappointing ending to Star Wars 7)
"Finally, the moment you have been waiting for has come. It's a horrible moment and the next few hours are going to be brutal for you, and I'm sorry about that. Unfortunately, I can't do anything to improve this piece of trash. So, thanks to you, who decided (horrible choice) to read this garbage. Again, thank you for reading this and blinding your eyes. Now, find a nice bean bag or something, an hour or two of free time (depending on your reading speed), and maybe a can of diet soda, and please enjoy this wonderful piece of absolute garbage. Oh also, I don't own any rights to any of the photos/videos used in this story. Now, let's cut to the crop."
WARNING: I'M A HORRIBLE WRITER. LIKE SRSLY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I HAVE A BLOG. I HATE WRITING AND I'M REALLY BAD AT IT SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ HORRIBLE WRITING THAT'S REALLY CLICHE AND PATHETIC BECAUSE I'M DESPERATE FOR SOMETHING, I ADVISE YOU TO CLOSE THIS TAB AND CLEAR YOUR BROWSER HISTORY. (this squid story is probably worse than a *particular* wattpad ladynoir fanfiction.
Courtesy of TheSpiralHunters
Please listen to this dramatic intro while reading. Gives some epic pizzaz. We played it in band but we sucked.
The hustle bustle outside annoyed him. Too many swishes in the water...too many fat babies. Master Squid turned away from the street-facing window and turned his gaze to the corner of his bedroom. There lay the ashes of his sister's fat baby that she had mailed to him three months ago. He hated fat babies, detested them. So, he shot the baby with his siphon laser. The poor child had dissipated in just a few moments, turning into ash. Master Squid turned back to look through the window once again. Still lots of fat babies.
• • • (apparently this thing is called an ellipsis)
The convention had already started. There were only a couple people there, as some of the other villains were either dead or didn't want to deal with siphons again. The Dust Cleaner of Doom looked around the tight-spaced room. He didn't want to spend that much on a meeting that was going to fail, so he hadn't even catered any food. There sat, in a disorderly circle, the Exploding Elephant (taped together after his last debacle with the Squid), Zombie Squid (siphon is fixed but now permanently in a crooked stance), King George III, Mrs.Flounder, and Donald Shrimpshrump. They were chatting about the rising prices of mouse pads.
Dust Cleaner of Doom decided that no one else was going to come and decided to start the meeting.
"Alright, everybody. Let's begin. How's it going with plotting against that wretched piece of calimari?"
"What? We're here to talk about Master Squid? I thought we were having game night. I do love my charades." King George III said, quite upset that he wouldn't play any pictionary.
Dust Cleaner of Doom grit his straw. 'What a sad bunch. They were such great villains until that stupid piece of sashimi came.'
"Anybody else? Clearly, George isn't in the right century right now."
"I don't want to come anywhere near that squid again. Being torn apart from the inside is not the most pleasurable experience. Definitely don't want to go through that again. Now, are we going to play Monopoly or not?" Exploding Elephant was always scared of the smallest things.
"I thought we were going to play poker first!" Zombie Squid.
"Everybody hates card games, Zombie! Where's the ouiji board? That game's always interesting." Mrs.Flounder.
Dust Cleaner of Doom was disheartened. He had a tiny morsel of hope for this group, but apparently they were nothing but a depressing bunch of shotheads that would never amount to anything!
"That's enough!"
All heads were turned towards him.
"ALL OF YOU WERE SUCH GREAT ENEMIES OF THE SQUID! LOOK AT YOU NOW! DEFEATED ONCE AND ALREADY GIVEN UP! YOU USED TO BLOW UP WHOLE COLONIES AND SCHOOLS OF FISH! AND HERE YOU ARE AND YOU CAN'T EVEN COUNT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR EACH PERSON IN MONOPOLY! WHAT HAVE U DONE?! YOU CAN NEVER ACHIEVE ANYTHING LIKE THIS! How are you the most notorious villains of all time!? Will you really let calamari stop you? Because I'm not giving up!"
There was only silence in the room.
Dust Cleaner of Doom gave up. He had hoped for one of those miracle moments from the movies, but since this was a low-time weird-ass blog that only two people read, that was obviously not going happen. He shuffled across the room and shut the door behind him as he left.
• • •
"So, what are you doing tonight?"
"Really? This is not going to be another Macquarie Island situation."
"What? I saved your life then!"
"I was perfectly fine there. Though, I did miss home a lot."
"Geez, Gubby. You're hard to impress, even if we've known each other since high school."
"Well, we have been through a lot, haven't we? You saved me from the Bloomer Platform's influence in the volcano, and you found me after I went missing. Gosh, I spend too much time with you, Squid."
"You can call me Master, Gubby."
"Scandalous."
"Well, anyway, wanna go out for some dinner or hot tub action in Australia again?"
"Geez, fine. Since you won't stop asking."
"Hey, I know that you can say 'no' in like, what fifteen languages?"
"Actually, 18 languages."
"Oh, wow. What a difference. Anyway I'll pick you up in the squidmobile at around 7."
"See you then."
Master Squid leapt out of the couch and squidaddled up to his room. He chose the fanciest squid suit he owned and looked at himself in the mirror.
"Oooooh, i look squidtastically sexy."
He then noticed that it was only 3 PM and he had four hours til he had to pick up Gubby. He decided to sleep.
Obviously, he was late. Afterall, he had heard from Brass Pitt that men who pick up their dates late look the coolest. But, maybe this time, it was a little too late. It was 7 PM...on the next week.
"OH MY SQUID! I SLEPT FOR A WEEK AND FOUR HOURS! This only means one thing...I WILL BE SO COOL THAT ANYBODY WHO LOOKS AT ME WILL BE BLINDED! Oh no, this will be bad. When I pick up Gubby, she won't be able to look at me because I'd be so beautiful. I'll have to cover myself up."
Master Squid hurried to his closet and changed out of his squid suit.
pinterest.com
Master Squid's Anti-Cool Suit
Yes, Master Squid covered himself up in the corpse of his fellow squid.
"I think this will be enough. To the squidmobile!"
The Squidmobile
• • •
Dust Cleaner was walking down the street. It had been a week and four hours since the convention. He was still feeling very upset. He was about to enter the Angülonesian restaurant when he heard his name being called. He whipped around (his straw hitting the door which left a bruise). In front of him was Exploding Elephant leaping towards him.
"DUST CLEANER OF DOOM! I SWEAR YOU ARE DEAF! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SCREAMING?!"
"Oh. Oops."
The rest of the villains that were at the convention followed Exploding Elephant. By the time they reached him, they were all out of breath. King George III collapsed.
"Come on, you guys. We literally ran twenty meters!" Mrs.Flounder was always the fit one.
"What do you people want anyway? I was just going to grab some dinner. Angülonesian chickpeas are the best." Dust Cleaner was slightly annoyed by the losers' presence.
"We just *pant* wanted to *pant* tell you that *pant* *heave* *cough* *choke* *throws up blood and corn*" Exploding Elephant collapsed, landing on top of King George III.
"Tell me what?"
"We wanted to tell you that we thought about what you said...and you're right. We are villains. We shouldn't be held back by calamari! We even came up with an amazing plan. I think you'll like it." Zombie Squid said.
Dust Cleaner was overjoyed. He cackled but... too hard. His straw flew off and stabbed Donald Shrimpshrump.
kitchenpantryscientist.com
Accurate representation...except replace the potato with a shrimp
"That's great news! Come on, I'll buy you guys Angülonesian chickpeas. My treat. Now let's talk about this plan of yours."
They were seated in the far right corner booth of the restaurant. They had threatened the waitress that if she didn't give them the booth, she would be killed and buried with rotten chickpeas. She later revealed that she was going to give them the corner booth anyway, because it was the only booth that can seat six people.
"So, what's the great plan? Wait, before you start. Let me say that I don't get impressed too easily, so don't be disappointed if I totally slap it down." Dust Cleaner warned. Afterall, how much could these goons do? Apparently, a lot.
"Ok, so there's this thing called the Dorfenshaw. It's some kind of weapon thing that can only stab or hurt people (not objects) that have Dorfenshawnorg. It's instant death. Dorfenshawnorg is some kind of energy that only people from the planet of Dorfen have. Now, according to some shady old legend, the planet of Dorfen was destoyed milleniums ago, killing everybody. Now, we were interested so we searched up some genealogy of our friend Master Squid. And it happens to be that he had a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-gr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great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather who used to live on Dorfen. So, he has Dorfenshawnorg. All Dorfenshawnorg is passed down, so, our friend Master Squid has Dorfenshawnorg. So-"
"He can be stabbed by the Dorfenshaw! He'll drop dead like a fly! Great! You morons are actually useful afterall!"
Dust Cleaner started cackling again and his straw stabbed Donald...again.
• • •
Master Squid parked the squidmobile in front of Gubby's house and climbed up the steps towards her front door. His anti-cool suit was crooked and very stuffy, but he had to do it if it meant that he and Gubby could be together. He knocked on the door. It took Gubby fourteen minutes to walk to the door and open it.
"Squid? What are you doing here?" She wore nothing but a tshirt. Nope, not even underwear.
Blood blasted through Master Squid's siphon, splattering Gubby's shirt.
"Ack! My shirt!"
Basically Master Squid at this point
After 25 minutes
"I'm sorry about your shirt." Master Squid cleaned his siphon with a tissue.
"Oh it's fine. It was an ugly shirt anyway."
"No, it looked perfect on you. PERFECT."
"...anyway, what are you doing here? And what are you wearing?"
"Oh, well, I decided to take a nap before I picked you up last week, but it happened to be that my nap lasted for a week and 4 hours."
"I expected no less. After all, this is a weird-ass blog about squids and albino vans and whatever."
"Well, I have my squidmobile parked outside. Shall we go?"
"Wait. I just need to put on my fancy-selfie hat."
ibtimes.co.uk
Gubby's Fancy-Selfie Hat
Master Squid and Gubby climbed onto the squidmobile and drove NorthWest. Along the way, they met NorthEast, Kanye East's daughter and took a selfie with her (using the Fancy-Selfie Hat). After he had driven around the earth eight times, Master Squid remembered that he didn't know which restaurant they were going to.
"So, what do you want to eat?"
"I don't know. I'm just really tired from listening to NorthEast's blabbering. She's so talkative for a two year old."
"Well, we can go to the South Asian restaurant downtown."
"Ok, I'm fine with dumplings."
So Master Squid and Gubby drove back to the Western Hemisphere. They sat down at a table in the center of the restaurant. There were no other customers but them. The waiter offered Master Squid the menu, but Master Squid simply said "Give us your best meal."
"Are you sure, sir? I think it's safer if you check the menu first. Our best is...well...special"
"I TOLD YOU TO GIVE US THE BEST! LEAVE AT ONCE!"
The waiter ran away, crashed through the front window of the restaurant, and was impaled by shattering glass. Fortunately, Master Squid shouted loud enough for the chef to hear, so the chef prepared their meal.
The meal was indeed special.
telegraph.co.uk
Their Special Meal
"What is this disgusting thing?" Master Squid was angry, obviously.
"It is the snake vine. Ve prepared it just fer vyou, ou-vur precious customur." The new waiter was Russian, which is weird since it's a Chinese restaurant.
"I'M SO DONE WITH THIS RESTUARANT. GOOD-BYE!" Master Squid swooped up Gubby (who was actually drinking the wine) and ran across the street to the other restaurant.
"Gosh, some restaurants...anyway, I heard this restaurant has good chickpeas. Let's go in."
*Gubby could not respond because she was intoxicated*
The waiter led Master Squid and the half-dead Gubby to the a booth somewhere in the far right corner. As Master Squid was pulling up his chair, he saw a group of people sitting in the booth next to his. He gasped.
"*GASP! It's you! My former enemies!"
Dust Cleaner of Doom, Donald Shrimpshrump (still impaled by the straw), Exploding Elephant, Mrs.Flounder, King George III, and Zombie Squid turned their heads to face the exact squid they were just talking about.
"*GASP! It's you! Our former enemy!"
"What are you villains doing here? And *GASP! What is that?!?"
The villains were confused about what Master Squid was talking about and followed his finger to see what he was pointing to. It was the calamari they had ordered.
"THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND, GREG!"
Master Squid jumped out of his chair and wrenched the calamari off the plate.
"GREG! ARE YOU ALIVE? SPEAK BOY, SPEAK! YOU CAN'T GIVE UP ON ME LIKE THIS! YOU HAD A WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU! GREG! LISTEN TO ME! DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT! STAY WITH MEEEEE!"
Master Squid was uncontrollably sobbing. The villains were touched by his compassion for his fallen friend and were shedding some tears of their own. But 0.000000000000000000002 seconds later, they realized that they were supposed to be destroying Master Squid and tackled him to the floor.
"ACK! YOU COLD BLOODED THINGS! HOW COULD YOU *sound of siphon snapping* DO THIS TO GREG!? ow, I swear, I've had my siphon broken like fourteen times in this blog. EUWAN, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!"
Obviously, the lazy author did nothing and let Master Squid be beaten up by his former enemies.
"I think we're done here, guys. We've broken him enough."
"Actually you forgot a tentacle."
*insert sound of tentacle breaking*
"Ok, now it's symmetric."
"Master Squid, this is our warning to you. We have an amazing plan that will destroy you once and for all. MUAHAHAHAHA *cough cough. Sorry, my straw is a bit clogged up."
The villains left the restaurant, leaving Master Squid, Gubby, and Greg alone.
• • •
Dust Cleaner of Doom felt pride as he left the restaurant. He wanted to keep this feeling, but, with those goons around, he would fall back into humiliation. He kept walking (how do aluminum cans walk anyway?) until he reached home.
• • •
"Aw crop! What do I do? They're planning something...but I don't know what. If I don't be careful, I might die! Or worse, be what Greg is now!" Master Squid was nervous.
"I know a friend who might be able to help you." Gubby started to nibble on one of Greg's tentacles.
"STOP EATING MY FRIEND! IT'S NOT NORMAL (*ahem* Euwan *ahem*). Anyway, who is this friend of yours? Can she tell me what the villains are planning?"
"Yeah. She can tell the future and all that. Oh and here, it's actually really good. Try it." Gubby handed Greg to Master Squid.
"Ew, no! I will not eat my friend, even if he is so deliciously deep-fried and the insides are so tender..."
"OMG, JUST EAT IT."
teepublic.com
Gubby Runs Marketing for Other Businesses. This is one of her creations.
"Ok. Ok. I'll eat him." Master Squid cautiously took one of Greg's tentacles. It looked so juicy and delicious, cooked to a perfect crisp that would end with a soft tush-tush in one bite.
nwf.org
There was a nature photographer in the restaurant that was documenting the entire scenario. This is what he came up with.
"OMG. It is really good. I'll take the entire plate. Now, where does your friend live?"
"She lives in a secret village underneath Brickhedge. Before we go, I just want to tell you that she's kind of...strange. You know, since she does all that mystical future-seeing stuff."
"Alright. I'll protect the calimari, so she doesn't get any."
"That's not what I mea-whatever." Gubby has given up by this point. "Just make sure that she doesn't think that we're a couple."
"WHAT?! I THOUGHT WE WERE DATING!"
"Um, no. What made you think that?"
"Well, we are on a date right now."
"Yeah, and how well did tonight work out for you?"
"...I hate you so much."
"Aww, I thought you loved me."
"IT'LL WORK SOMEDAY! IT'LL BE THAT YOU'RE JUST SOME TSUNDERE AND YOU'RE SCARED OF CONFESSING YOUR LOVE TO ME SO YOU DECIDE TO MAKE FUN OF ME! BUT ONE DAY, YOU'LL COME BEGGING TO ME BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HIDE YOUR FEELINGS ANY LONGER!"
"Yeah, right. Whatever. Don't you have to say 'to the squidmobile' or whatever?" *Gubby blushes.*
"Right. To the squidmobile!"
• • •
"Alright, villains! Any ideas on how to obtain the Dorfenshaw? Cuz that's kind of the entire point of this plot." Dust Cleaner couldn't wait to stab Master Squid.
"I know that it is hidden somewhere in Southern Angola." King Henry III did know his geography pretty well.
"How are we going to get it from Angola?! We don't have a Mach-20 traveling squidmobile like that piece of calimari!" Mrs.Flounder wasn't the most patient one there. She likes traveling fast.
"I have a Mach-10 traveling van. It's red and smells a little, but it still works." Zombie Squid.
"BUT THAT'S NOT MACH-20! IT'S WORTHLESS! I HATE IT!" Mrs.Flounder.
"I know a used car shop that has a van that can travel at Mach-10.00000000000000000001." Exploding Elephant.
"Oooh, that's better. Let's go steal it. Also, Euwan, piece of advice: instead of writing just our names after what we say, can't you just make it into a script dialogue thing? That would be smarter."
Euwan took note of that.
"Alright. Everybody, get ready. We're going to steal a van!" Dust Cleaner was antsy and couldn't wait to get his hands (straws?) on the Dorfenshaw.
Elephantastic Used Car Shop Surveillance Team Records 2-24-XXXX
Five suspicious looking creatures break back gate and enter the grounds.
*Picking up conversation*
Person 1: Where the squid are we?
Person 2: DON'T SAY SQUID. IT'S A FORBIDDEN WORD!
Person 1: You just said it.
Person 2: Godammit.
Person 3: Will you two shut up? We're trying to steal a car here.
Person 4: And how are we going to do that, idiot?
Person 3: ...I don't know but we'll figure something out. We'll have to find the van first.
Person 5: Does anybody know where Exploding Elephant is? He's the one who told us about this place.
Person 1: No idea. But let's please squidaddle. I'm getting kind of nervous.
Person 2: I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY SQUID.
Person 1: There you go again.
The five suspicious looking creatures walk pathetically towards Car Lot #3.
Basically how they were walking.
http://imgur.com/gallery/PcXzEUX
They approach the UEBAGC-1738. ID-679 is waiting on hold, getting ready for the ambush.
*Dispatch Squadron B-42*
Person 4: Is this the van? Ugh, it's a horrible color. I can't believe we're going to have to ride in this stupid thing.
Person 3: Would you rather walk, my lady (Miraculous reference)?
Person 4: Ugh. That's unfathomable.
Person 5: But like, seriously where's Elephant? You think he was killed?
Person 2: Nah. Probably got scared and bailed on us. What a dork. Now, let's rob this thing.
Person 2 touches the hood of the UEBAGC-1738. Squadron B-42 launches ambush. ID-679 stays on hold until cue. Squadron B-42 tackles all suspicious creatures and puts them into headlocks.
Person 1: WHAT THE SQUID?!
Person 2: I SWEAR! STOP SAYING SQUID!
Person 2 stabs ID-324, who was putting Person 2 in headlock. Person 2 tackles Person 1. ID-968 pulls Person 2 off Person 1 and shoots him in the left ureter.
The Body and Pelvic Region, Rear View
humananatomybody.info
Person 2 is squirming on floor screaming "SQUID BE WITH YOU ALL! SQUID BE WITH YOU ALLLL!"
All persons are now contained in headlocks. Squadron B-42 has completed mission with one casualty: ID-324. ID-679 now to dispatch.
ID-679: Hey, folks! Are you here to buy the limited edition, one-of-a-kind UEBAGC-1738?
Person 3: What?! Exploding Elephant?! What are you doing here?! Let us go!
ID-679: What are you talking about? I own this place! Might be a little shabby and the security is horrible, but it's my pride and joy.
Person 4: A little shabby? Really? It really needs a new paint job and if you really want to take that new modern take on this theme, you absolutely must get rid of that decor in the bathroom!
Person 5: When did you go to the bathroom? We've been here for five minutes.
Person 2: SQUID BE WITH YOU ALL!
Person 3: Let us go, you traitor!
ID-679: Ok, number one, why would a traitor ever let his enemies go? Like seriously, when does anyone let their enemies go? Number two, I never said you can steal the car. I only said that I know a place that has one, which happens to be Elephantastic Used Car Shop! It's a well-known business tactic. Now, let's talk deals.
Person 3: Oh my squid. You idiots. You imbeciles! WHY DID I EVER TEAM UP WITH ANY OF YOU?! Might as well give up now.
ID-679: I'm not going to let a customer walk away just like that, Dust Cleaner. I'll give you a nice discount. 7% off? That's some nice Black Friday deals right there.
Person 5: That's a horrible Black Friday deal. No wonder you don't make any profit.
ID-679: Fine then. 30% off?
Person 1: 60%, because 6 starts with an "s" and squid starts with an "s".
Person 2: SQUID BE WITH YOU ALL!
ID-679: Ugh screw it. Just take it. It's hard to make deals with you guys.
Person 3: You're giving up? Just like that? I'm not surprised anymore that you have such a shabby shop. Anyway, let's go.
Elephantastic Used Car Shop Surveillance Team Records 2-24-XXXX ends here.
• • •
"WE'RE HERE!"
"Huh?"
"Wakey wakey, gubby. We're here in Brickhedge!"
"Already? It's been five minutes! It normally takes us at least seven minutes without traffic."
"Oh there was traffic and lots of it."
"Then how did we-"
"I ate all the cars and the people swam away in fright."
"-.- of course."
Master Squid climbed off the squidmobile and turned around to help Gubby off. Gubby tripped on one of the wheels and was sent flying. Normally, since I'm setting up a nice ship between Gubby and Master Squid here, I would make Master Squid dramatically catch Gubby and give them a nice French kiss. But, like I've said, this is a weird-ass blog about albino vans. Master Squid laughed at the mud-covered Gubby.
"Ugh, I hate you."
"Haha. It's your own fault for falling in the first place."
"MY FAULT? Your wheel is sideways for squid's sake, Master! Fix it!"
"Nah. I'm too lazy. Now, where's the entrance to the secret hidden village under Brickhedge?"
Gubby tried wiping off all the mud but failed, like someone the author knows *ahem Gabby ahem*.
"The entrance is underneath the second stone from the crooked one on your right. We have to lift the stone up, which I have no idea how since it's 472344747392949858477339992935887930210931209380239809238448483838394399958598894847398234949020939488490234093284 tons. Let's go find a crowbar or a car jack or something. It might help."
By the time Gubby finished googling how to read the numbers, Master Squid had already used his mystical powers to lift up the stone and start descending down the stairs that led to the underground village.
"Hurry up, Gubby. I want to meet your friend."
"Wait wait! Remember, we're not a couple, ok? Don't say anything to her, please. It's for your safety."
"Alright, alright. We'll see about that in a few years. Now, hurry your buttocks."
"I don't have buttocks, Master."
• • •
"UGH I HATE ROAD TRIPS!"
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't need your sass. EUWAN, I TOLD YOU TO USE SCRIPT DIALOGUE SO IT'S EASIER TO WRITE!"
The author complies.
Mrs.Flounder: My hair's a mess.
Donald Shrimpshrump: You don't have any hair, you idiot. You're a flounder. However, I do have some nice hair.
Donald's "Nice" Hair
Exploding Elephant: I'm sure you do. When's the next potty break?
Zombie Squid: You literally just went an hour ago.
Exploding Elephant: It's not my fault I have to drink a lot of water. I'M AN ELEPHANT FOR SQUID'S SAKE!
Zombie Squid: DON'T SAY SQUID!!!
The back of the van erupted with laughter and shouts. Dust Cleaner of Doom continued to drive. He hadn't said a word since they got in the van fifteen hours ago. He was too busy plotting. 'Those idiots. How could they be so stupid yet come up with such a great plan? They're so pathetic and carefree. They don't care about being serious about Master Squid. Meanwhile I do all the work! Ugh. I should just ditch those guys and kill him myself. That would be faster and there would be no guaranteed failures...I should ditch those guys. Once I get my hands on the Dorfenshaw, I'll bail on those guys and kill Master Squid myself. If I stick around with them any longer, they'll just goof off and I'm sure to lose my chance to avenge myself! Alright, it's set then. I'll get rid of them once I have the Dorefenshaw!'
Dust Cleaner started cackling.
King George III: Bruh, the joke wasn't even that funny.
• • •
DISCLAIMER: *ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO YOMI HIRASAKA, THE GUY WHO CREATED THIS CHARACTER
"ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE?!"
"Gosh, Kobato. We're not a couple."
"I'M NOT KOBATO. I AM REISYS V. FELICITY SUMERAGI! I AM OF THE NOBLE VAMPIRE CLAN! HAVE SOME REVERENCE FOR ME, YOU WORTHLESS MORTAL!"
"-.- Reisys, please calm down. Your voice is so loud, people are looking our way."
"WELL, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT. YOUR THE OWN WHO STROLLED IN HERE WITH YOUR BOOOOOYFRIEND."
Kobat-OW OW OW, ok jeez. Reisys V. Felicity Sumeragi. You didn't need to hit that hard.
"This is your friend? The future-seeing one?"
"Yeah, Master. Now hush, or she'll keep thinking that we're a couple."
"WAIT! YOU JUST CALLED HIM MASTER! WHAT IS THIS? A S&M RELATIONSHIP? Jeez, Gubby, I didn't know you became such a nasty person. IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU STARTED WATCHING THAT STUPID SHOW ABOUT LADYBUGS THAT ENDED TWENTY YEARS AGO! I TOLD YOU THAT THOSE THIRTY YEAR OLD PERVERTS WERE BAD FOR YOU."
"NO! That's not what it is!"
"THEN WHAT IS IT?"
"His name's Master Squid. I call him Master for short."
"...OH."
"Yes, my lady. I am the savior of the seven seas, conqueror of the high tides, lord of those that dwell in the ocean waters that stretch so wide. I am...THE MASTER SQUID!"
"Ah, yes. I've heard of you. Kukukuku. I've been sent visions by the darkest of the power-wielders. You are a strong one, but you are no match for me."
"That's why I've come to you, great wielder. I am seeking guidance from one of the great. It is clear to me that you are the best option of all the greatest of the power-wielders."
"Kukukuku. You are smart for choosing me, for I am the most powerful. What do you need my skills for?"
"I need to see my future. Many enemies are obstructing my path, and I must know what they are plotting. I must see what great weapon they intend to wield and destroy me with."
"Ahhhh. Fortune-telling is my expertise but falls short of my powers. But oh well. Guidance is guidance. I shall help you."
Reisys got up and started walking towards her hut-cave-thing.
"I will be back in a few moments. Please excuse me."
She disappeared into the hut-cave-thing.
"How the squid did you do that?" Gubby was wide-eyed.
"Do what?"
"Do...whatever that was!"
"Oh, follow along with her cosplay? It's simple really. Just look at what she was already doing and follow whatever charisma she has. It's like obtaining the same aura that surrounds her and using it to communicate in a familiar way."
Gubby looked at him with curiosity and admiration. She never knew that Master Squid was so...interesting underneath all of that...disgusting stuff. His personality was so complex underneath all of that blubber. How come she never knew all of this when she had spent so much time with him? Or was he showing it the entire time and she had never noticed because she was so blinded by his eccentricity? Was she judging him because he acted so unusual while doing his job? But really, was it his fault that weird things keep happening to him? If all the weird events that surrounded Master Squid disappeared, would she still hang out with him? And why had she stuck around even if she didn't appreciate the weird events that surrounded their daily lives? All this time, she thought that she only hung around with Master Squid because they were classmates back in middle school. She thought that only their past connections kept them together. But clearly, if she was in any sane mood, she would've left the moment strange things started to happen. So, maybe...maybe it was the weird things that brought them together. His eccentricity and his intellect...perhaps it was both?
"Master Squid, I-I-"
"I'M BAAAACK! And I have some bad news for you, great Master Squid."
"My lady, what is this saddening news that you present to me? Will it be risky or dangerous? Will my life be at stake? My lady, please tell me!"
"Great Master Squid, your life is in grave danger. You are a descendant of an inhabitant of the lost planet of Dorfen, correct?"
"Yes, my great-great-great-"
"Yes, yes. I know. You have the Dorfenshawnorg, correct?"
"OMG! They're trying to retrieve the Dorfenshaw! Oh no, this is bad. I'll be killed for sure!"
"Yes. You have to find the Dorfenshaw before they do, or you will meet your demise!"
Master Squid scrambled up, his tentacles trembling with fear.
"I...I must find the Dorfenshaw! To save myself and all of the waters on this planet!"
Master Squid scooped up Gubby and ran all the way up the stairs back to the surface.
"We must hurry. We don't have much time! They might have already found the Dorfenshaw!" Master Squid dragged Gubby behind him as he ran for the squidmobile.
"What are you talking about? She's not here anymore. You can stop pretending with her." Gubby buckled her seatbelt, like a good diligent fish.
"It's not cosplay, Gubby. My enemies are trying to the Dorfenshaw, a powerful weapon that can only kill people with Dorfenshawnorg, and, of course, I happen to have Dorfenshawnorg from my stupid great-great-great-"
"Ok ok. I get it. We're going to have to find it. Do you have any idea where it is?"
"Yeah. My aunt in Angola keeps it in her basement. We have to get it before them!"
Master Squid started the engine and they were off in a blast.
Gubby held on tight to Master Squid. It was pretty hard not to follow off a Mach-20 traveling motorcycle. She was scared. Of course she was. Master Squid's life was at stake here! But Gubby wasn't feeling the normal scared-to-death feeling everybody faced with a demise has. She felt worse. How do you feel worse than knowing that your arch-enemies are plotting against you by using a weapon designed just for killing you? Don't ask me. Ask Gubby. She was in the situation. Gubby couldn't think of not having Master Squid around. He was always there. Even when she was kidnapped and put on one of the most isolated islands on the planet (that was a little creepy). If he was gone, she...she wouldn't know what to do. Master Squid was a precious friend to her...or was he more than just that? Gubby wasn't in the mood for some shoujo manga pondering and quickly turned her attention back to saving Master Squid's life.
I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S SOME CHEAP HORRIBLE CLICHE SET-UP BUT I NEED TO LET THE SHIP SAIL, YOU KNOW? Even if it means making Gubby fall for Master Squid in the cliche-est way possible. If you seriously think this is bad (I think so too), please comment below and I'll try to change/remove it.
• • •
The van was silent. Everyone had fallen asleep after rewatching the first three seasons of Teen Wolf (unlike someone I know). Dust Cleaner looked straight ahead at the extensive road. He was still plotting out every detail of how he would leave these goons and actually do something seriously. He felt like he was the left brain and those idiots were the right. He knew that he should have done it alone. He knew it. He knew it even before he held the convention...but why did he invite those people anyway? As Dust Cleaner listened to Jay-Z and Beyonce, he wondered why he brought these people together, to him, when he knew that he would leave them anyway.
Bo Burnham's Left Brain Right Brain
• • •
The van's tires were worn out by the time they had reached the shabby-looking house in Angola.
Dust Cleaner: Alright, let's go. We have a squid to sashimi.
King George III: I prefer to kabob my squid.
Mrs.Flounder: Grilled is better.
Zombie Squid: Am I the only who steams my squid?
Dust Cleaner rolled his eyes and walked away.
Dust Cleaner: Will you dimwats please hurry your buttocks?
The crew followed him inside. Dust Cleaner was so excited, he peed his straw. Yes, he peed through his straw. Let me repeat that. Dust Cleaner of Doom peed through.his.straw. While Dust Cleaner was wiping his straw off, King George III took the initiative and opened the front door. What he saw after still haunts him today. It was a woman. But not any woman. It was *gasp* ELONA MUSKA.
Elona Muska: Aaahhh, you're here for the party. Come in come in. Grab a sparkle thong while you're at it. It's time for a GERMAN SPARKLE PARTY!
The German Sparkle Party
Caution: It's Quite Disturbing. You've been warned (if the boobs weren't a warning enough).
As the crew walked in, they past by many...strange people. In the corner, two lions (one was white and one look like simba) were wrestling, a kraken was throwing people around the room screaming "DON'T GO PEEPEE IN THE OCEAN", and Daniel Lambert was trying to boogie-woogie on a weird looking stage. There were more people but for the sake of the plot, let's move on.
Zombie Squid: What is that stage shaped like?
King George III: Oh, that's the Bloomer Platform.
Dust Cleaner: Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. All of Master Squid's past enemies and allies are here...in this house...partying. This is wrong. So wrong. What do we do?
Exploding Elephant: I suggest that we ignore all of this and prioritize finding the Dorfenshaw first.
Zombie Squid: HOW COULD WE IGNORE ALL OF THIS? IT'S A PARTY! I LOVE PARTIES!
King George III: HARDCORE PARTY HARDCORE PARTY!
Mrs.Flounder: I didn't bring my rubber boots...
Dust Cleaner: YOU IDIOTS! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL OUR ARCH ENEMY HERE! WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO PARTY!
Exploding Elephant: Actually, I'm sure we have plenty of time since Master Squid probably doesn't even know what we're planning.
Dust Cleaner: Ugh! I was thinking of ditching you guys later discreetly but I guess I don't need to wait until then! I'M FINISHED WITH ALL OF YOU! GOODBYE.
Dust Cleaner shoved his way through the crowds of people dancing and opened the back door that (he supposed) led to the basement where (he supposed) the Dorfenshaw was. Obviously, it was not the basement with the Dorfenshaw that the back door led to. It was the Channel 666 studio.
*WARNING: YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO READ THE STORY ABOUT MASTER SQUID AND THE CHANNEL 666 NEWS IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND THIS.
As Dust Cleaner stepped through the doorframe, Kanye East brushed past him.
A distraught Kim Kardash-EEL-ian was laying on the floor screaming "KANYE EAST! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THIS IMBECILE!" A maniacal Brass Pitt was cackling in the corner of the room, poking the body of what seemed to be the cameraman. But Dust Cleaner was not paying attention to this. He was too busy staring at the creature in the middle of the room: Master Squid.
Dust Cleaner: Master Squid! We meet again.
Master Squid: Indeed, and you're quite late. I've been waiting.
Dust Cleaner: Why are you here?
Master Squid: With the help of my sensei, I was able to find out what your plans were. AND NOW I'M HERE TO FOIL THEM! MUAHAHAHA!
Dust Cleaner: DAMMIT! HOW COME YOU ALWAYS GET THE ADVANTAGE?! IT'S NOT FAIR! JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO WIN! JUST ONCE DO I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN SOMEONE! JUST ONCE I WANT TO BE AT LEAST MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN ANOTHER! BUT WITH THOSE STUPID GOONS FOOLING AROUND AND AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-DEFEAT NEMESIS, I'LL NEVER BE CONSIDERED EVEN THE LEAST BIT MORE NOTABLE!
Master Squid: What is this? An asian's college application?
Dust Cleaner: UGH! I just want to be more important than someone else. Not even by a lot. I just want someone to notice me.
Master Squid: I consider myself your senpai and I notice you. Happy?
Dust Cleaner: Gah! It's impossible with you. I'm going to have to destroy you ONCE AND FOR ALL!
Dust Cleaner looked around the room, desperately searching for the Dorfenshaw. There was no such thing.
Dust Cleaner: WHERE'S THE DORFENSHAW?! WHERE DID YOU PUT IT!?
Master Squid: I don't know.
Dust Cleaner: Don't screw around with me! I know you hid it somewhere! I'll destroy you!
Dust Cleaner turned the chairs and tables over. He even threw Kim Kardash-EEL-ian's, Brass Pitt's, and the cameraman's bodies out of the room. There was no sign of the Dorfenshaw. He grew desperate and he turned the chairs with more fervor. His anger clouded his judgement and soon, he was tearing the walls. While Dust Cleaner was destroying the beautiful-before-he-got-angry studio, Gubby walked into the room, hopping over the cameraman's body.
Gubby: Hey, Master. I'll just stand here and spectate. Is that ok?
Master Squid: Yeah, that's perfectly fine, princess.
Gubby: -.- don't call me princess, you imbecile.
To be completely honest, Gubby was scared. Seeing Dust Cleaner bend a steel wall panel didn't help placate her. She just hoped that Master Squid would be safe.
Dust Cleaner: I FOUND IT! THE DORFENSHAW ISN'T A SWORD! ugh, those idiots made me think it was a sword. THE DORFENSHAW IS AN EAR SWAB! I'LL DESTROY YOU NOW!
Master Squid: WAIT! BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY EARS!
Dust Cleaner: I'll stuff it up your siphon.
Master Squid: NO! I JUST HAD THAT FIXED!
Dust Cleaner chased after Master Squid, who was frantically flailing around. Master Squid used his telekinesis powers to shove a table into Dust Cleaner.
Dust Cleaner: THAT'S GOING TO LEAVE A DENT!
Dust Cleaner shot cold air into Master Squid's face, wind-burning and blinding him.
Dust Cleaner: Now, I can finally destroy you! I'll be better than someone at last! And I didn't even need those idiots to help me!
Master Squid: Wait! NOOO!
Dust Cleaner shot the ear bud up Master Squid's siphon.
Master Squid siphon exploded. E-X-P-L-O-D-E-D. Blood and pieces of fresh sashimi splattered everywhere. Gubby screamed and ran to Master Squid, who was helplessly trying to gasp for air through the hole that was originally his nose.
Gubby: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM!? You killed him! You killed Master Squid!
Memories of Master Squid flashed through Gubby's mind. Tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her face.
Gubby: YOU KILLED HIM! HE'S GONE! I lost him! YOU HORRIBLE, MONSTROUS PERSON!
Dust Cleaner just cackled maniacally while Gubby weeped.
Gubby: No...Master Squid. Please, don't leave me. I'LL NEVER LET GO, MASTER! I'LL NEVER LET GO!
Master Squid: let...let go, Gubby...please, let go. save yourself
Gubby: I JUST SAID I WON'T LET GO! MASTER SQUID, PLEASE DON'T GO.
Master Squid: no, seriously. let go. blood is traveling down my wind pipe. it's chocking me.
Dust Cleaner: MUAHAHAHA! How does it feel now, Master Squid?! To be trampled on, like you're a worthless, insignificant person!
Master Squid: Congratulations, Dust Cleaner. You're now more important than someone else. Your dream has been achieved. I'm truly proud of you.
Dust Cleaner: ?
Master Squid: You took an initiative and went for it, even if it meant that I lost my siphon *grumble grumble. Do you feel important now? That you matter? Because I always cared for you, Dust Cleaner.
Suddenly a flashing white light blinded all three of them. By the time they could see again, they found themselves in a weird situation.
Dust Cleaner: Huh? WHY AM I HERE? HOW AM I HERE? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! WHY AM I STUCK IN A 43 FOOT 5 INCH DEEP (a pretty good estimate) DITCH?!
Master Squid: Does it matter now, Dust Cleaner? You've already proved yourself more important than me.
Dust Cleaner: What? You did this?! How? I thought you were almost dead!
Master Squid: I've always had the power to do this, Dust Cleaner. I mean, look at Master Squid and the Exploding Elephant. How else do you think I dug a 500 foot hole?
Dust Cleaner: If you've always been able to do this, why didn't you do it before? ARE YOU TRYING TO TAUNT ME!? LOWER MY SELF CONFIDENCE!? STOMP ON ME LIKE I'M A SCUM (a word I used a lot to describe those people in Five Points #7thgradehistory).
Master Squid: No, Dust Cleaner. I let you stab me.
Dust Cleaner: ???
Master Squid: Look, I don't fight a villain and then forget about it until I fight the next one that comes along. I always think about my enemies and if they had recovered from the injuries I gave them. I don't particularly like hurting people, especially in the brutal manner that I do it. I always want them to recover, get stronger, and come back to defeat me, like you did. I think about how they can improve and get better. Dust Cleaner, I think about you.
Dust Cleaner: That sounds extremely gay.
Master Squid: I know. Let's just forget about that entire monologue. I just wanted to tell you that I let you stab me, because I wanted you to feel better about yourself. Just a couple moments ago, you were complaining about how you felt worthless. Well, now that you beat your enemy, I guess you're not so worthless, right?
Dust Cleaner just sat there, stunned. How was Master Squid, the squid who was obsessed with a white lion, so considerate and sympathetic? And also, how did this squid story, that started off with eating pickled snakes, turn into some kind of shounen and shoujo action drama? Gubby was also shocked. Not only because of the fact that Master Squid was still alive and able to make gay monologues, but also by how kind he was. She never knew how he was so compassionate. Maybe she should've paid more attention to his personality than to his weird side.
Zombie Squid: So...what now?
Dust Cleaner: SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!
Mrs.Flounder: We've been here ever since the bright white light. We thought there was another party done here.
King George III: But that right there was so much better than a party. I've never seen such gay love.
Exploding Elephant: I think what they mean to say is that we care for you, Dust Cleaner. Even though we may look like complete eggheads that don't get anything done, we still want you to be happy, even if it means that we have to work a little extra hard and serious.
Dust Cleaner: OMG this drama is getting a bit off-hand. But, thanks.
Zombie Squid: So what now?
Gubby: I guess we call truce, for now.
King George III: I agree! I'm tired from all of this. My beautiful face is going to get wrinkles!
Master Squid nodded in agreement. Everyone look at Dust Cleaner.
Dust Cleaner: .........ugh fine whatever, but on one condition. Master Squid has to drive us home.
Master Squid: But my squidmobile can fit 1385398324 people.
Donald Shrimpshrump: Dang it. We have 8 people, not 1385398324.
Suddenly another flash of white appeared, but this time, it wasn't from Master Squid. It was from a van. But not any van...
Zombie Squid: HOW COULD WE IGNORE ALL OF THIS? IT'S A PARTY! I LOVE PARTIES!
King George III: HARDCORE PARTY HARDCORE PARTY!
Mrs.Flounder: I didn't bring my rubber boots...
Dust Cleaner: YOU IDIOTS! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL OUR ARCH ENEMY HERE! WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO PARTY!
Exploding Elephant: Actually, I'm sure we have plenty of time since Master Squid probably doesn't even know what we're planning.
Dust Cleaner: Ugh! I was thinking of ditching you guys later discreetly but I guess I don't need to wait until then! I'M FINISHED WITH ALL OF YOU! GOODBYE.
Dust Cleaner shoved his way through the crowds of people dancing and opened the back door that (he supposed) led to the basement where (he supposed) the Dorfenshaw was. Obviously, it was not the basement with the Dorfenshaw that the back door led to. It was the Channel 666 studio.
*WARNING: YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO READ THE STORY ABOUT MASTER SQUID AND THE CHANNEL 666 NEWS IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND THIS.
As Dust Cleaner stepped through the doorframe, Kanye East brushed past him.
A distraught Kim Kardash-EEL-ian was laying on the floor screaming "KANYE EAST! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THIS IMBECILE!" A maniacal Brass Pitt was cackling in the corner of the room, poking the body of what seemed to be the cameraman. But Dust Cleaner was not paying attention to this. He was too busy staring at the creature in the middle of the room: Master Squid.
Dust Cleaner: Master Squid! We meet again.
Master Squid: Indeed, and you're quite late. I've been waiting.
Dust Cleaner: Why are you here?
Master Squid: With the help of my sensei, I was able to find out what your plans were. AND NOW I'M HERE TO FOIL THEM! MUAHAHAHA!
Dust Cleaner: DAMMIT! HOW COME YOU ALWAYS GET THE ADVANTAGE?! IT'S NOT FAIR! JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO WIN! JUST ONCE DO I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN SOMEONE! JUST ONCE I WANT TO BE AT LEAST MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN ANOTHER! BUT WITH THOSE STUPID GOONS FOOLING AROUND AND AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-DEFEAT NEMESIS, I'LL NEVER BE CONSIDERED EVEN THE LEAST BIT MORE NOTABLE!
Master Squid: What is this? An asian's college application?
Dust Cleaner: UGH! I just want to be more important than someone else. Not even by a lot. I just want someone to notice me.
Master Squid: I consider myself your senpai and I notice you. Happy?
Dust Cleaner: Gah! It's impossible with you. I'm going to have to destroy you ONCE AND FOR ALL!
Dust Cleaner looked around the room, desperately searching for the Dorfenshaw. There was no such thing.
Dust Cleaner: WHERE'S THE DORFENSHAW?! WHERE DID YOU PUT IT!?
Master Squid: I don't know.
Dust Cleaner: Don't screw around with me! I know you hid it somewhere! I'll destroy you!
Dust Cleaner turned the chairs and tables over. He even threw Kim Kardash-EEL-ian's, Brass Pitt's, and the cameraman's bodies out of the room. There was no sign of the Dorfenshaw. He grew desperate and he turned the chairs with more fervor. His anger clouded his judgement and soon, he was tearing the walls. While Dust Cleaner was destroying the beautiful-before-he-got-angry studio, Gubby walked into the room, hopping over the cameraman's body.
Gubby: Hey, Master. I'll just stand here and spectate. Is that ok?
Master Squid: Yeah, that's perfectly fine, princess.
Gubby: -.- don't call me princess, you imbecile.
To be completely honest, Gubby was scared. Seeing Dust Cleaner bend a steel wall panel didn't help placate her. She just hoped that Master Squid would be safe.
Dust Cleaner: I FOUND IT! THE DORFENSHAW ISN'T A SWORD! ugh, those idiots made me think it was a sword. THE DORFENSHAW IS AN EAR SWAB! I'LL DESTROY YOU NOW!
Master Squid: WAIT! BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY EARS!
Dust Cleaner: I'll stuff it up your siphon.
Master Squid: NO! I JUST HAD THAT FIXED!
Dust Cleaner chased after Master Squid, who was frantically flailing around. Master Squid used his telekinesis powers to shove a table into Dust Cleaner.
Dust Cleaner: THAT'S GOING TO LEAVE A DENT!
Dust Cleaner shot cold air into Master Squid's face, wind-burning and blinding him.
Dust Cleaner: Now, I can finally destroy you! I'll be better than someone at last! And I didn't even need those idiots to help me!
Master Squid: Wait! NOOO!
Dust Cleaner shot the ear bud up Master Squid's siphon.
Master Squid siphon exploded. E-X-P-L-O-D-E-D. Blood and pieces of fresh sashimi splattered everywhere. Gubby screamed and ran to Master Squid, who was helplessly trying to gasp for air through the hole that was originally his nose.
Gubby: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM!? You killed him! You killed Master Squid!
Memories of Master Squid flashed through Gubby's mind. Tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her face.
Gubby: YOU KILLED HIM! HE'S GONE! I lost him! YOU HORRIBLE, MONSTROUS PERSON!
Dust Cleaner just cackled maniacally while Gubby weeped.
Gubby: No...Master Squid. Please, don't leave me. I'LL NEVER LET GO, MASTER! I'LL NEVER LET GO!
Master Squid: let...let go, Gubby...please, let go. save yourself
Gubby: I JUST SAID I WON'T LET GO! MASTER SQUID, PLEASE DON'T GO.
Master Squid: no, seriously. let go. blood is traveling down my wind pipe. it's chocking me.
Dust Cleaner: MUAHAHAHA! How does it feel now, Master Squid?! To be trampled on, like you're a worthless, insignificant person!
Master Squid: Congratulations, Dust Cleaner. You're now more important than someone else. Your dream has been achieved. I'm truly proud of you.
Dust Cleaner: ?
Master Squid: You took an initiative and went for it, even if it meant that I lost my siphon *grumble grumble. Do you feel important now? That you matter? Because I always cared for you, Dust Cleaner.
Suddenly a flashing white light blinded all three of them. By the time they could see again, they found themselves in a weird situation.
Dust Cleaner: Huh? WHY AM I HERE? HOW AM I HERE? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! WHY AM I STUCK IN A 43 FOOT 5 INCH DEEP (a pretty good estimate) DITCH?!
Master Squid: Does it matter now, Dust Cleaner? You've already proved yourself more important than me.
Dust Cleaner: What? You did this?! How? I thought you were almost dead!
Master Squid: I've always had the power to do this, Dust Cleaner. I mean, look at Master Squid and the Exploding Elephant. How else do you think I dug a 500 foot hole?
Dust Cleaner: If you've always been able to do this, why didn't you do it before? ARE YOU TRYING TO TAUNT ME!? LOWER MY SELF CONFIDENCE!? STOMP ON ME LIKE I'M A SCUM (a word I used a lot to describe those people in Five Points #7thgradehistory).
Master Squid: No, Dust Cleaner. I let you stab me.
Dust Cleaner: ???
Master Squid: Look, I don't fight a villain and then forget about it until I fight the next one that comes along. I always think about my enemies and if they had recovered from the injuries I gave them. I don't particularly like hurting people, especially in the brutal manner that I do it. I always want them to recover, get stronger, and come back to defeat me, like you did. I think about how they can improve and get better. Dust Cleaner, I think about you.
Dust Cleaner: That sounds extremely gay.
Master Squid: I know. Let's just forget about that entire monologue. I just wanted to tell you that I let you stab me, because I wanted you to feel better about yourself. Just a couple moments ago, you were complaining about how you felt worthless. Well, now that you beat your enemy, I guess you're not so worthless, right?
Dust Cleaner just sat there, stunned. How was Master Squid, the squid who was obsessed with a white lion, so considerate and sympathetic? And also, how did this squid story, that started off with eating pickled snakes, turn into some kind of shounen and shoujo action drama? Gubby was also shocked. Not only because of the fact that Master Squid was still alive and able to make gay monologues, but also by how kind he was. She never knew how he was so compassionate. Maybe she should've paid more attention to his personality than to his weird side.
Zombie Squid: So...what now?
Dust Cleaner: SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!
Mrs.Flounder: We've been here ever since the bright white light. We thought there was another party done here.
King George III: But that right there was so much better than a party. I've never seen such gay love.
Exploding Elephant: I think what they mean to say is that we care for you, Dust Cleaner. Even though we may look like complete eggheads that don't get anything done, we still want you to be happy, even if it means that we have to work a little extra hard and serious.
Dust Cleaner: OMG this drama is getting a bit off-hand. But, thanks.
Zombie Squid: So what now?
Gubby: I guess we call truce, for now.
King George III: I agree! I'm tired from all of this. My beautiful face is going to get wrinkles!
Master Squid nodded in agreement. Everyone look at Dust Cleaner.
Dust Cleaner: .........ugh fine whatever, but on one condition. Master Squid has to drive us home.
Master Squid: But my squidmobile can fit 1385398324 people.
Donald Shrimpshrump: Dang it. We have 8 people, not 1385398324.
Suddenly another flash of white appeared, but this time, it wasn't from Master Squid. It was from a van. But not any van...
The Mystical Albino Pedo Van
Epilogue
Master Squid knocked on the door. He glanced over at his new watch. Someone had bought it for him so he would be more punctual, like he was right now for his date. He straightened his tie and gripped the bouquet tightly. Gubby opened the door. This time, she was only wearing sweatpants and a sports bra.
• • •
"WILL YOU IDIOTS PLEASE SHUT UP?! I'M TRYING TO MAKE A PLAN HERE!"
Zombie Squid: Ugh, you're such a buzzkill, Dust Cleaner. Come party with us. We have an extra sparkle thong just for youuuu!
Dust Cleaner was just about to slam the door on him, but instead, after pondering for a moment, he put on the sparkle thong and went out to party with this new friends.
OK, THX FOR READING. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU MOST LIKELY FINISHED IT (UNLESS YOU SKIPPED TO THE END). I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY SORRY FOR HOW YOU HAD TO READ THIS PIECE OF TRASH AND HOW IT WOULD SCAR YOU FOREVER. ANYWAY, did you know it's saint davy's day? March 1st is saint davy's day. I don't know who saint davy is but HAPPY SAINT DAVY'S DAY TO YOU ALL!
